NOTE: There are two versions of the query in this post, the author would like feedback on which one you prefer.
Version 6 (I hope I got it right this time and didn't ruin it by putting in some voice.)
Sixteen-year-old Catalina returns to the 31st century after searching through the past for her mother to find pieces of that ancient time came back with her. Now she is stuck in a world where the magical past and the high-tech present are merging at an alarming rate…and it’s pretty much all her fault.
After discovering she is an eternal, Catalina puts her quest for the birth-mother she never knew on hold to fulfill her newfound duties as a keeper of time. But control of her swiftly growing magic lies just beyond her reach and she can’t to fix time alone. Instead, she seeks the aid of old eternal who just might be able to stop the time blend before an army of united dark magic and high-tech soldiers destroy everything in pursuit of her immortality.
Time is literally running out before the world erases completely, and Catalina must choose between holding onto her hopes of a life with her real mother or accept her responsibility to return time to its proper state. On the plus side, there will be no more laser guns pointed at her head or souls suckers poised at her door. But a restored timeline means nothing will be left of her Catalina’s friends, her mother, or the boy she has come to love but two-thousand year old memories.
The Eternal Link is a young adult fantasy novel completed at 80,000 words.
Version 7
After searching through the past for her mother, sixteen-year-old Catalina returns to the 31st century only to find pieces of that ancient time came back with her. Now she is stuck in a world where the magical past and the high-tech present are merging at an alarming rate…and it’s pretty much all her fault.
Catalina puts the quest for her birth-mother on hold to try and mend her mistake. But she can’t fix time alone. Instead, she seeks the aid of an old eternal who just might be able to stop the time blend before an army of united dark magic and high-tech soldiers destroy everything she cares about to get to her. Time is literally running out before the world erases completely, and Catalina must choose between holding onto her hopes of a life with her real mother or accept her responsibility to return time to its proper state. On the plus side, she’ll get rid of those instigating the hunt for her immortality. But a restored timeline means nothing will be left of Catalina’s friends, her mother, or the boy she has come to love but two-thousand year old memories.
The Eternal Link is a young adult fantasy novel completed at 80,000 words.
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8 comments:
I think the 7th definitely has better sentence structure and flow, which makes it easier to follow. You've still got some verb tense and wording problems though, which make me a little concerned for the novel.
In the first paragraph I would say: only to find pieces of that ancient time HAVE COME back with her
and top of 2nd: on hold to try TO mend her mistake
Just for starters
It sounds like a very interesting story--I just think you want a word by word beta guide to make sure not to scare an agent from reading it.
I like 7 better as well.
Hi people. Thanks for the help! I tried to fix a few clarity problems. I know I should have stopped messing with this query a long time ago and just take a chance on it...but it seems I've turned into a perfectionist.
***if anyone can think of another word for "time" that would help a lot too!
After searching through the past for her mother, Catalina , a sixteen-year-old keeper of time, returns to the 31st century only to find she accidentally broke time. Now she is stuck in a world where a past full of wizards and magic are merging with the high-tech present at an alarming rate…and it’s pretty much all her fault.
Catalina puts the quest for her mother on hold to try to mend her mistake. But she can’t fix time alone. Instead, she attempts to restore the powers of an old wizard who just might be able to stop the time blend before an army of united dark magic and high-tech soldiers destroy everything she cares about to get to her immortality, an immortality she no longer has.
Time is literally running out before the world erases completely, and Catalina must choose between holding onto her hopes of a life with her real mother or becoming a human patch for time. If she succeeds, those driving the hunt for her will vanish into the past. But a restored timeline means nothing will be left of Catalina’s new friends, her mother, or the boy she has come to love but two-thousand year old memories.
The Eternal Link is a young adult fantasy novel completed at 80,000 words.
I like the second version, too.
Your last sentence might read better as:
But a restored timeline means nothing but 2,000-year old memories will be left of Catalina’s new friends, her mother, and the boy she loves.
This is just a suggestion.
I also believe in the value of good critique groups.
Mary Jo
Second (really, 7th) version is *much* more clear. I really had no idea what was going on in the first version.
Having said that, BINGO with the version you posted in the comments. Go with that one-- it's clear, and it's exciting. I'd read your story based on that query.
Good job!
I like the one you posted here, in the comments, best.
I would clarify "But she can’t fix time alone"; it sounds ambiguous. Perhaps, 'she can't fix time by herself'.
Also, I still stumble over the last part of the last line: "but two-thousand year old memories". Just feels awkward to me, but then, I tend to be awkard.
Anyway, I liked this query right from your first version.
Wow, sweet. I've been working on this query a loooong time. I actively stay away from third person...like the plague. Even my editor was like Jen...get ready...the query letter is in third person. =/ I'm pleased with what has come out of my work though and I am ready to send this version (with minor tweaks) out into the world. (scary!) I want to thank you guys SO much for your help. Really, your constructive yet KIND comments have kept me going.
*ps-I have a synopsis up *cough* help *cough*
I also like the seventh (and yes like it better than the version you posted in the comments which IMO has too much information --sorry!). The seventh feels like it has the right amount of information and flows very well.
The only suggestion I have is here for a wee bit of clarification:
or the boy she has come to love but [HER] two-thousand year old memories.
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