Aug 19, 2009

Query for WIND FURY, Revision #1

Click here to read the original query.

Someone is trying to kill the North Wind’s mortal lover, Armin. One day, they succeed.

Something changes in North with the loss of Armin. For eons, she has been responsible, dutiful--- and lonely. Now, she must choose between her duty, and her happiness, to reclaim the shining star in the long dark of her life and find the person responsible for his death, even if it means disobeying the other gods. But before she can try to bring him back, she will have to unlock the mystery of his past, and the fate of the rest of the gods that lies in his hands. If she fails at any of the trials before her, she just may lose him forever.

WIND FURY is a 90,000 word fantasy novel exploring a world on the edge of two destinies, and the mortals and immortals who will determine its course, explore their true abilities, and uphold their honor.

This is my first novel. I thank you for your time and consideration.

9 comments:

Rick Daley said...

Hi LT,

You did a good job with the brevity, the format and word count for this is good. My issues are with clarity...

On my first read through I got confused with the pronouns. It wasn't immediately clear to me the genders of North Wind and Armin, so the he's and she's got tangled. On a second read it's more clear.

In the first sentence you use the article "the" to preface North Wind, but in the second paragraph it's informally just North.

"Now, she must choose between her duty, and her happiness,"
I would remove all three of these commas. The whole sentence is very long, you are compressing many separate things into it (the things she must choose between, why she must choose, the ramifications of her success, and the potential conflict of her actions). I suggest breaking it up.

Leave out the statement that it's your first novel.

Keep at it, you'll get there!

L. T. Host said...

Thanks Rick :)

Very helpful and much appreciated. As I'm sure we all know far too well, you get so deep into something it's hard to tell anything about it from the outside any more.

Let me ask you (and anyone else who wants to pitch in) this: My character *is* the North Wind, but her name is North. How can I express this without confusing or offputting the reader? It wasn't so difficult in my MS, I call her North when she's with friends and family, and the North Wind in more formal situations. But I wrestled with trying to find a way to show the reader/ agent that my character is the North Wind and also a character, if that makes sense. Any input would be appreciated because I thought I'd nailed it til you flagged it :)

Thanks again, and good luck with Rudy Toot-toot. Keep us posted how that one goes!

L. T. Host said...

Whoops, meant how can I address the whole North/ North Wind thing in the query without stepping out of voice to make a long explanation?

L. T. Host said...

Hmmm, how about this?

An unknown enemy is trying to kill the North Wind’s mortal lover, Armin, and one day, they succeed.

A change comes over North with the loss of Armin. He was the shining star in the long dark of her life. For the eons before him, she had been responsible, dutiful--- and lonely. Now she must choose between her duty and her happiness to reclaim him from the Underworld and find the person responsible for his death, even if it means disobeying the other gods. But before she can try to bring him back, she will have to unlock the mystery of his past, and the fate of the gods that lies in his hands. If she fails at any of the trials before her, she just may lose him forever.

WIND FURY is a 90,000 word fantasy novel exploring a world on the edge of two destinies, and the mortals and immortals who will determine its course, explore their true abilities, and uphold their honor.

RCWriterGirl said...

I'm hesitant to comment because I'm not sure exactly what to say.

It's succinct, so that's good. But, it's also very confusing. It has a lot to do with the name North Wind. I thought it was like an entity or a city or something at first. I had to re-read the first three sentences to really understand it. And that's never good. Now, this may be due to the fact that I don't really read fantasy that much. But, if it's a more universal thing, maybe there's a way to describe North Wind some other way (goddess of wind??) that clues you in she's a person and lets your mind set up for the love angle.

Second thing. I thought "to reclaim the shining star in the long dark of her life" was a bit too much. It's not really clear what that means. Is she going to reanimate him--does she have the power to pull him back from death. If that's the case, it may be clearer to just say so. Because, I find myself asking that question every time you talk about Armin (who is already dead--and in this world, you stay dead. So, if your book is different, maybe just say that.) Something like: She must choose whether she'll defy the other gods and bring Armin back from the dead using a forbidden ritual. I think something like that would add more clarity to your query.

Tricia J. O'Brien said...

I love this story concept. I do think there is a problem defining North Wind. If North Wind is her name, it seems it shouldn't read "the" North Wind, which makes me think of, well, wind as an element, not a goddess. So I think she must be introduced as a goddess, a being. I also agree we need to know that she is capable of bringing a mortal back to life. Just another line or two to define this world, including why does a mortal have the fate of gods in his hands?
Really do like it. Best to you.

RCWriterGirl said...

Tricia figured it out. It's the "the" before North Wind that's throwing off this opening. It makes North Wind seem like something other than a person's name.

Stephanie said...

I got the idea of the fact that she's a goddess (who takes the form of the North Wind) and that her common name is "North." If that's the intention, it worked for me.

My only suggestion was that the brevity, which also works, does sacrifice some detail.

I wonder why, as a wind goddess, North would be subservient to other deities (she has to "obey?") and the concept of her "life" rather than her "existence." "Life" indicates a mortal existence, something that has an end. These two concepts made me wonder if she's actually a demigoddess and her immortality is at stake as well.

Oh and you don't have to mention it's your first novel. Use that line to flesh out the story instead ;)

In any case, I like the concept.

L. T. Host said...

Thanks so much everyone!

Back to the grind it is, and I'll post my next revision soon.

Thank you thank you thank you!