Aug 12, 2009

Query - Genesis (Revision Three)

Click here to read the original query.
Click here to read the second version.

[If I don't get it close to right this time, I'm gonna pull my hair out!]

Dear Agent:

After a chance encounter with tall-dark-and-handsome, Detective Anna Savage finds her old passions for secrets and mystery start to resurface like wounds reopening to the air. Her wealthy, sexy suitor comes to sweep her off her feet and carry her to a mansion in Paris. It’s not a problem that Pierre DuChamps is a vampire. In fact, that only sweetens the deal. It’s a dream come true for Anna, a dark fairy tale she had only imagined would ever come true.

But he is determined to find a cure for his Thirst. In some way, the solution seems to be in the unborn half-human, half-vampire child of her friend, Maggie LeBlanc. The child is an anomaly, but much more than a science experiment. The birth is imminent, but the baby’s fate is unclear. Are Pierre’s intentions pure or does he have some sinister intent for the child? And her dreams keep warning Anna that Pierre is not what he seems. Does she follow her heart and help the vampire she’s falling for, or trust in her instinct to protect the innocent and lose Pierre forever?

There’s no way for her to know the importance of her choice; that with this birth comes the entire force of Heaven. This child will be a dark Messiah, sent on a Holy mission to release the vampire souls from their perpetual Hell. To the victor goes Salvation, and it all hinges on Anna Savage. The choice she makes will determine not only her own fate, but that of thousands of others.

Genesis is a completed contemporary fantasy novel. Thank you for taking the time to consider my query.

Sincerely,

Tara
[Contact Info]

6 comments:

RCWriterGirl said...

Wow, that is pretty good. I read one of your queries a few days ago and was completely lost.

This made sense and it really had a good flow to it. The way you sum it up at the end is perfect in explaining the ultimate conflict: "The choice she makes will determine not only her own fate, but that of thousands of others."

Good job.

The only thing I would add, would be to say, "After a chance encounter with a tall, dark and handsome man, Detective..." I stopped short after just "tall-dark-and-handsome." I view it as an adjective, and was waiting for the word it modified to come. While, I think technically, you're right in that you can use it as a noun (or it certainly has been used that way in colloquial speech), I think it's expected to be used as a modifier of a noun more often. I don't think there's any reason not to use it that way now. You've only got one way chance to get the agent's attention, and you'd hate to lose it because s/he stops at that first part of your sentence. If the issue is that he's not a "man" in the traditional sense, then perhaps use stranger. Or some other noun that's appropriate.

Again, this query is a vast improvement, and much clearer.

fred limberg said...

Hey Baldie,

My query is in it's 22nd version. You, I've been keeping score.

Stay with it, you'll get there.

Fred

B.E. Sanderson said...

This seems like a pretty good query - much much better than before. A couple of suggestions for tightening...

After a tall-dark-and-handsome encounter, Detective Anna Savage's old passion for secrets and mystery start to resurface like wounds reopening to the air. Her wealthy, sexy suitor sweeps her off her feet to a mansion in Paris. The fact that Pierre DuChamps is a vampire only sweetens the deal. It’s a dream come true for Anna, a dark fairy tale she only imagined would ever come true.

...snip unnecessary words like above from the other paragraphs and you'll have a nice, clean query.

Good luck. This sounds like a really interesting book. =o)

B.E. Sanderson said...

Oh, and I meant to say...

Don't sweat the number of times you have to revise a query. They do get easier as you go.

Thermocline said...

This is getting tighter. Good work. Remember to include your word count.

"Does she follow her heart and help the vampire she’s falling for, or trust in her instinct to protect the innocent and lose Pierre forever?"

Following her budding desires or letting something horrible happen to a baby makes me wonder if I would empathize with Anna because, put this way, I wonder if she is heartless. Is there another way you could write this so I'd feel more for the position she is in?

The end of the third paragraph confuses me a little. I read it as Salvation all hinges on Anna. I thought it all rested on the unborn baby. You might consider something like, "To the victor goes Salvation. The choice Anna makes will determine ..."

Leave your hair alone! You're producing better drafts each time

TLH said...

Thank you all so much! So good to know I'm on the right track. This is the first query I've ever had to write so it's a whole new ball game.

I definitely want to use everything you all said, especially about Anna being heartless.

Instead of taking up more space here, I'm going to keep working on this over on my blog (http://bloodcrossed.blogspot.com).Feel free to stop by and take a look!