Aug 4, 2009

QUERY - SAVE US - Revision 1

Click here to read the original query.

Hi guys, I cleaned up my original query, hopefully it's better. Love to hear what you think. Thanks-


Dear Agent:

Phoebus has had a busy few months: falling in love, dying, and leading a rebellion—in that order.

Phoebus is a young, orphaned fisherman living in ancient Phoenicia during the time of Christ. When he and his love Ariadna drown in a storm, they find themselves on the outskirts of Hell. Captured, separated, and enslaved, they sink into despair, until Phoebus inadvertently sparks a rebellion against his demon captors.

He soon meets Durus, a mercenary angel sent to aid him, who informs Phoebus that this conflict is meant by God to distract the devil from events on Earth. Faced with this new mandate, the desire to find Ariadna, and the threat of a growing demon army, Phoebus becomes the unlikely leader of a desperate people. As Jesus' path takes him to the cross, Phoebus undertakes a task that transforms him as much as it changes the fate of the slaves in Hell.

SAVE US is 75,000 words, and is my first novel.

Thank you for your time and consideration.


C.J. Ellisson said...

I think you did a much better job this time around in shortening it and making it tighter. I still think you go a little too in depth with the plot and mention way too many character names.

I think your hook is great but I think you need to shorten the description about the piece a bit more.

You should save the last paragraph to introduce yourself, list your writing credentials, any guilds or associations you are a part of and lastly - thank the agent or editor for their time.

Try to sum up the story with your main two characters only, and their journey, in a few short sentences. Let that follow the hook.

Check out Janet Reid's blog - The Query Shark- she talks about breaking up the query into short three sentence paragraphs for easier reading.

Good luck - and the book sounds great!

Anonymous said...

I'd say it's near perfect.

Reading the first part--fall in love, die, lead... In that order--I was expecting something trite. But then I kept reading and became interested. It is a story I will keep a look out for, as it seems like one which I would enjoy reading.

Vipul said...

Thanks anon!