Sep 11, 2009

QUERY: NOT HER MOTHER'S FATE Revision 3

Click here to read the original query.
Click here to read the first revision.
Click here to read the second revision.

A survivor of years of abuse by her alcoholic father and two previous boyfriends, Amy Thompson believes she has learned her lesson about the cost of a relationship with a drinking man. But Robert Crane won’t take no for an answer. After weeks of persistence, and a commitment to sobriety, he wins Amy’s heart.

It doesn’t take long for the couple to feel the pressure from Robert’s family and church to marry, and though Robert is eager for a family of his own, Amy still has nightmares about the trauma of her own childhood and the "accidental" death of her mother. One solid year’s sobriety is Amy’s price, but no matter how much Robert prays, or how many sacrifices Amy and his best friend Calvin Mertz make for him, his own insecurities drive Robert repeatedly back to the bottle.

As Robert’s alcoholism and brutality escalates, Amy becomes convinced that she has two choices: abandon Robert and try to rebuild the hard-won independence she’d gained before she met him, or make the ultimate commitment and hope that marriage and family is truly the cure for his alcoholism. Before Amy can make a decision, a new option opens in the form of a long, passionate kiss from Cal.

Not Her Mother’s Fate is a 90,000 word women’s fiction about testing the limits of friendship, love, and loyalty.


Sincerely,

Donna Hole

10 comments:

Gina said...

Wow!!! Well done!!!
All is so clear now, and you leave just enough of a cliffhanger.

Just two little grammar things:
´alcoholism and brutality escalate´, not ´escalates´, and
´marriage and family are truly the cure´, not ´is´.

Go Donna!

L. T. Host said...

Donna, you nailed it with this one! I didn't trip up once and I love that you brought the romance back in from Cal.

Best of luck-- when are you going to start sending it out????

MattDel said...

*applause*

Yes! This is the kind of thing I'm talking about.

Beautifully done, Donna. Beautifully done.

Natalie Bahm said...

Great query! I think you captured the tension and highlighted the major conflicts while making us care about Amy. I wasn't bored for a single second.

Dominique said...

Wow, well done. Lots of good information without overload, and a cliffhanger.

Tricia J. O'Brien said...

Really good rewrite. This one sings.

John said...

I hate to rain on the parade, because I agree with the other posters that this is a very strong query overall, but in the penultimate para, the way the two choices are described kinda screams "the right choice" and "the really, really wrong choice." Then there's a third choice in the form of Cal, but that actually seems to be a variation on "the right choice."

I think this would present a more believable dilemma if the option of sticking with the guy were couched in terms that offered a more or less realistic chance that he might straighten out. Something along the lines of - the assurance of Amy's love is the one thing that might let him find strength in himself.

For what it's worth. In any case, it sounds like you have a good story here. Best of luck!

Donna Hole said...

Thanks everyone! You guys rock big time. And by that I mean everyone who commented on all three posts.

John: I will give your comment serious consideration. I had some nerves about the phrasing myself.

LT: I'll be sending it out as soon as I can put together an agent list. I do tasks one at a time, and really didn't imaginge I'd get this far yet. On my own, I'd still be staring at the screen wondering when it would write itself.

Everyone has also given me enough feedback I think I'll be able to revise my synopsis, cut it down to readable size. First things first, on to actually querying.

.......dhole

Natalie and Rick Nuttall said...

Wow! I don't know what else to say! This query is going to land you an agent, I'm sure of it!

Happy hunting!

RCWriterGirl said...

Good luck Donna. I think this is a good rewrite. I hope you land an agent.