Feb 15, 2010

Beth Query (revised)

Click here to read the original query.

--note: this is not the actual title and it is only the *hook* of the query.

Seventeen-year-old rocker Beth Collins plays a killer lead guitar, but that's not what's nabbed her a scholarship to the exclusive Hamilton Academy.

It's Beth's other killer talent—the one for causing death.

Beth is a Deathmage and Hamilton is no ordinary school. It’s an enclave for the differently Talented—in other words, freaks like Beth.

At Hamilton, Beth finds love, friendship and the support she needs to rein in her
frightening abilities. But behind the school's kindly fa├žade lurks a secret threat—a plan is brewing to exploit her Talents for a hellish evil. Now Beth must master her deadly skills on her own terms, or succumb to those who would destroy her and all that she loves.


Emily said...

Good revision. I think this one is tighter and more to the point.

Two small things:
In the second paragraph "what's" should be what.

And in the last paragraph I would put a comma after "friendship" but I am a big proponent of the serial comma. As I said before, it's one of my pet peeves.

The only stylistic thing I would point out is that you use three dashes in the short query. A dash should only be used when a more common form of punctuation does not suffice. Overusing the dash can be distracting and abrupt. To steal a friend's analogy, it is like perpetually slamming on the brakes while driving. Just FYI.

Otherwise I think this query is effective. And I think it was smart of you to keep the title under wraps. Why take the risk?

Lisa Amowitz said...

Hey, Emily! Thanks!