Feb 11, 2010

Query - The Butterfly Key - Revision 5

Click here to read the original query.
Click here to read the first revision.
Click here to read the second revision.
Click here to read the third revision.
Click here to read the fourth revision.

Dear Agent,

Shortly after Christian Bryson promises to fulfill his wife’s dream of starting a family his Army Reserve unit deploys for war. In battle, Christian sustains a wound which renders him incapable of fathering children. Devastated, Christian agonizes over telling his wife Abigail about his infertility for fear of ruining her dreams of motherhood.

Christian blames his calamity on the so-called providence of God and wishes death would have taken him. Haunted by a promise he can no longer keep, and dreading Abigail’s reaction, Christian keeps silent about his impairment. What Christian doesn’t comprehend is Abigail will accept him with unconditional love no matter what albatross she's forced to bear.

When Abigail tearfully pleads for him to come home from the hospital, Christian refuses. In his heart he believes he is no longer the husband she deserves. God, however, believes otherwise and intervenes. He sends two special travelers—one alive, the other not—to help Christian allay the anguish within his soul. With the guidance and love of God’s sojourners, Christian realizes he needs to go home and apologize to Abigail.

Upon Christian's return to his wife he’s overcome with joy, for God has a plan in everything He does when He graces Christian with an unexpected gift.

THE BUTTERFLY KEY is a 72,000-word work of Christian fiction.

Thank you for your time and consideration.



Aimless Writer said...

Much better but leaves me wondering if the messenger's from God are a bigger part of the story. And if so, should they be brought out more? The part about his injury and how he feels about it is kind of long. The second paragraph kind of repeats the first. I'd cut it or condense it into the first.
Another question that comes to mind is how someone can just refuse to leave a hospital. Wouldn't they just discharge you? Perhaps I'm not reading this right?

Emily said...

This is much better! Congratulations! Also, kudos for you for having the fortitude to revise this five times. That shows both endurance and a willingness to accept criticism, both are qualities that would serve any writer well.

Two small things, in the first sentence I think you need a comma after "family." In the third sentence of the second paragraph I would insert THAT before "Abigail."

Great work-

Shelley Sly said...

Your sentence style is much better in this one. The variety really helps it read better.

I agree with Emily that you have very admirable endurance for revising this much. Good job.

Jason Myers said...

I like this one a lot better. I dont even know what to say.
I do agree that (this is personal opinion, so take it that way!) the idea of the story doesnt really grab me until you mention the two interlopers from God. Of course, I like supernatural type stuff! The agent reading this might not care so much.

A.D.N said...

Thanks everyone!!! I don't mind criticism as long as its constructive... everyone here has been very helpful. I appreciate that.