Click here to read the original query.
Click here to read the first revision. It's labeled Revision #2, but it's really Version #2, Revision #1. Oops.
Okay I thought my query still needed some tweaking. I dropped the question at the end, please let me know if this reads better:
Dear Agent:
Eighteen-year-old Erica Ann Dawson falls asleep in her bed in Batesfield, Connecticut and awakens to find herself driving down a four-lane highway.
Plagued by inexplicable blackouts, she begins losing hours, even days, with no memory of what transpired in the intervening time. As the blackouts worsen, she starts to doubt her own sanity. But the truth is even crazier.
Erica is slowly being replaced from her own life by a creature known only as a Changeling. This doppelganger has bewitched Erica’s name and is using it to steal away her memories, her life - her very soul.
To save herself from being completely consumed, Erica is forced to make a terrible sacrifice; she gives up her name, and with it, relinquishes all rights to her own identity.
Now, nameless and forgotten by friends and family alike, the girl is plunged into a world of magic where a Sharpie and a book of matches could mean the difference between life and death. She must learn to harness the power of names and sigils to fight back against the Changelings and the dark force invading Batesfield. But if Erica stands a chance at reclaiming her former life, she will need to discover the truth behind what the changelings truly are. If she fails, she will remain nameless forever.
THE NAMELESS is a YA fantasy novel complete at 60,000 words. The manuscript is available upon request.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
Emily XXXX
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3 comments:
Here's an idea, why not begin the query with paragraph three. It has a nice hook and is an attention getter right off the bat. Paragraphs one and two can be merged. See below.
Erica Ann Dawson is slowly being replaced from her own life by a creature known only as a Changeling. This doppelganger has bewitched Erica’s name and is using it to steal away her memories, her life - her very soul.
Plagued by inexplicable blackouts, she begins losing hours, even days, with no memory of what transpired in the intervening time. As the blackouts worsen, she starts to doubt her own sanity. To save herself from being completely consumed, Erica is forced to make a terrible sacrifice; she gives up her name, and with it, relinquishes all rights to her own identity.
The final paragraph is then added to this.
I think Starving Writer has it right. The main thrust of the story is the changeling part so that should come first. The blackouts are a symptom of the changeling stuff so you're story really starts with Erica losing her self.
Sounds like a good story.
Thank you for the comments and many thanks to Rick for this extremely helpful blog.
I appreciate all the feedback I have received.
I thought I was done wrestling with this query but it may be time to step back into the ring...
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