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*trying something new here. Want to see if less is more - or just more confusing.*
Dear Most Awesome Agent Ever,
The why I picked you paragraph.
Looking for an escape from the norm, Felicity Johnson dresses for trouble, and finds it when she attends DragonCon – the convention that celebrates everything sci-fi and fantasy. Felicity meets a love interest, discovers the dead body of a friend, and stumbles over a real vampire, who develops a thirst for the iron running through her veins. The trip that started as a search for adventure leads her down a path that could leave her either dead or with the ultimate makeover, one that can't be undone without a stake to the heart.
Iron Thirst is an 88,000 word urban fantasy. I am a member of the Atlanta Writers Club and Sisters in Crime.
Sincerely,
Would be nicest client ever.
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9 comments:
Your first sentence is a great set up and I loved it -- DragonCon, great idea! But the next sentence jumbles the action together too fast for me, and I went "wait wait! Who's the love interest, who's the friend and how did he or she die?" The vampire element is cool and I liked the way you mentioned smelling her iron.
But what roadblock apart from sending Felicity on an adventure do those three things present?
Your bio paragraph is spot on.
I think you have all the information in this story, but the query needs to explain it just a tad further -- pull the conflict out a little more. You're nearly there.
This makes me want to read the book, and I don't even read fantasy.
Well, you've got some concision, which is good in a query, and you've fit in a lot of good stuff. It certainly sounds like an interesting story. But, I might suggest a few more details to round it out.
I liked it. Lots better than the previous version.
Only nitpicky things:
Instead of "...the ultimate makeover, one that..." use "...the ultimate makeover: one that..."
Should be a dash between 88,000 and word (88,000-word).
It sounds like a neat story - one I'd be interested in reading. Good luck!
I think you're going in the right direction with brevity, but maybe a little more meat. ANd I definitely wouldn't use the term love interest since it's so generic--maybe something descriptive if you don't want to use the name--handsome investigator, hunky cop, whatever.
Looking for an escape from the norm, Felicity Johnson dresses for trouble, and finds it when she attends DragonCon – the convention that celebrates everything sci-fi and fantasy. (great line. I would consider separating it out as a hook line. I am wondering also if you should specifically show the reader ‘how’ she dresses for trouble. Just a detail or two on that).
Felicity meets a love interest, discovers the dead body of a friend, and stumbles over a real vampire, who develops a thirst for the iron running through her veins.
(I think all of this is good but it’s dense and could be expanded into two or three sentences to draw the reader more into the story. Example here: At the conference, Felicity meets a scrumptious attorney named Blake and before she can approach him her best friend disappears. While searching for her best friend, she stumbles across a mangled body and reports the murder to the head of security who offers to help her find her missing friend, etc. Note: the sentences I’ve written obviously aren’t very good, or reflective of your story or your character’s state of mind/emotions, but I think if you can extend your sentence above, you’ll be able to add some useful details to deepen the query. Also I sense a bit of a jovial undertone in the concluding sentence which can be expanded in this section if that’s what you’re going for.)
The trip that started as a search for adventure leads (stronger verb here) her down a path that could leave her either dead or with the ultimate makeover (delete comma and one) that can't be undone without a stake (delete to, add through) the heart. (like the last sentence too)
I think you're really close, just add in some details to make your story stand out even more! I'd love to read another draft of the query.
I think you need to remove the comma after vampire. I kept stumbling over it. I don't know that you really want a lot more detail here. Your tone is brief, lightweight and jovial and too much detail will weigh it down. Maybe more specifics is better. Does she meet a hotty would-be VanHelsing?
This is really close and I honestly wouldn't mess with it too much. Good luck!
First off, There is a huge problem here, this line needs to properly punctuated as this: Dear, Most.Awesome.Agent. EVER!
There, now, moving on.
I'd move the "why i picked you paragraph" to the end. If there is one thing I've learned form the Shark, is this info should be at the bottom.
Kill "love interest". it clashes with the awesome voice you have going on here. It wouldn't hurt to break this into two paragraphs, and thus giving you a little more room to add a bit more.
This is a query tat certainly piques interest. Great work.
JD
You guys are awesome! Thank you so much for all the input. I feel really good about the direction this query is going. It has been a rough road.
I will polish, and then it's back to synopsis. But first... happy dance. :-)
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