Mar 19, 2010

QUERY- Joshua and the Fantastic Forest (Revision 2)

Click here to read the original query.
Click here to read the first revision.

Joshua and the Fantastic Forest (Revision 2)Thanks to all the commenters for improving this! sorry I put this in wrong spot before...on to helping someone else.

Dear Public Query Slushpile,

Twelve-year old Joshua Cooper is about to find out how a walk in the woods can change his life – or end it.

As the new kid in town he is desperate for adventure. He finds it in the mountain forest above his home when he befriends talking animals created from the DNA of super powered creatures that roamed the earth long ago. He shares his magical world with two unlikely friends he rescues, a bully and an old man, and they vow to protect the secret of their forest friends.

When a power-hungry fox secretly recreates thousands of his own animals to conquer and rule the forest Joshua must find a way to save his friends, and himself. He leads his comrades to raise their own army and craft an arsenal of weapons to defend themselves against the evil hoard in the battle of their lives.

I am seeking your representation for my manuscript, JOSHUA AND THE FANTASTIC FOREST, a 52,000-word middle grade adventure that appeals to boys. I am a freelance writer with a background in reporting and marketing.

Thank you for your time and consideration.


Suzan Harden said...

This version is SOOOOO much better!

Um, so much so I'll be super picky here because I think you're almost ready to send it.

Par. #1, Sen. #1 - Trim this so it's more active. Ex. Twelve-year-old Joshua Cooper finds out a walk in the woods can change his life-or end it.

Par. #2, Sen. #1 - I think you're approaching from the wrong angle. New kid=lonely. Bored kid=adventure/trouble.

Par. #2, Sen. #2 - BE SPECIFIC!! I cannot stress this enough. What super-powered creature? Dragons? Dinosaurs? What? Who created the talking animals? Pixies? The Great God Murphy? Mad scientists? Who?

Par. #2, Sen. #3 - Why are you introducing the bully and the old man? If you arn't going to mention them again, leave them out of the query.

Par. #3 - This one needs some reworking. How the heck does a fox create animals when he doesn't have opposable thumbs? Also, why would any talking animal follow a crazy fox?

Par. #3 in my words to give an idea of where I'm trying to go (please put this in your own words though):

But when a power-hungry fox and his allies decide they don't want to play nice with humans anymore or any animal submissive to them, Joshua must find a way to save himself and his new friends.

P.S. Watch out for those wandering commas.

You are so close to getting this query where it needs to be! Best wishes on your submissions.

Anonymous said...

This is tremendously helpful - thanks so very much! So much to be said in so few words - it's an art.