Apr 26, 2010

Query- THE DRIFTER

Dear Agent,

For sixteen-year-old Pip, knowing everyone’s time of death is growing tiresome. Especially when she can’t stop it. However When a boy named Romeo hits her with his motorcycle she suddenly loses her curse.

Her past a blur and her curse gone, Pip finally sees how it is to be normal and to fall in love. But when Romeo’s father discovers she is a drifter, she is forced to run, Romeo by her side after his father’s last warning. Yet Pip’s recurring hallucinations of the dead keep coming and she is desperate to tell Romeo of her lost curse. Except he would never believe her. Until the night they plan their escape, her curse returns...and Romeo has only one hour left to live.

I’m seeking representation for THE DRIFTER, a 55,000-word paranormal romance novel for young adults. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

A.K.

2 comments:

Falen said...

I'm a bit confused by some of this. If her past is a blur and her curse is gone, then how can she be desperate to tell Romeo of her lost curse? Didn't she forget her past?
And if she did forget her past, how does Romeo's father know she's a drifter?

Also, i'm unsure what "reoccuring hallucination of the dead" means - is she seeing ghosts? Are they real? Hallucinations suggest to me that her mind is making stuff up. If she thinks they're hallucinations, but they're actually ghosts or part of her curse returning, i think you need to make that more clear.

There seems to be a bit of confusion with the timeline - you say she and Romeo run, but then at the end of the second paragraph you mention the night of their escape - is this another escape? the first one where they flee from his father?

The query also needs a bit more editing - the third sentence has However and When both capitalized.
Also this sentence:
"But when Romeo’s father discovers she is a drifter, she is forced to run, Romeo by her side after his father’s last warning." is a bit run-on.

I hope this helps! Good luck!

Rick Daley said...

I give you an A+ for form, and the hook is pretty good (although you have a stray capital W in the last sentence of the first paragraph).

The second paragraph confuses me, though. Her curse is lost, but the hallucinations of the dead keep coming? I thought that was her curse.

Why is she forced to run, is he calling the police to take her in? How many warnings does her father give before the last one, and what is the nature of the warnings?

You don't need to answer all of these questions in the query, but you should consider re-writing it so these questions are not so easily raised.

Great starting point, though!