May 13, 2010

Query - The Destiny Stone (revised)

Click here to read the original query.

Dear X,

THE DESTINY STONE is a Young Adult fantasy and is complete at 106,000 words.

After receiving a visit from a mysterious 'Magic Wielder', seventeen-year-old Haythem is certain about three things: he is the sole possessor of a magical stone that allows him to alter his destiny, a great and terrible task has been bestowed upon him, and he will need to use the stone to restore order in the conflict riddled realm.

If Haythem is to succeed, he must learn to fight with swords and magic, place his trust in a hot-tempered creature that is part-dragon, and shield his heart against the temptations of a female warrior.  And that's just the beginning of his difficulties.  By chance, Haythem uncovers a disturbing truth about the stone when it attempts to bind his will to its own ends.  Bound by promises he can't ignore, Haythem comes to terms with the daunting nature of the task before him and recognizes that possessing the stone does not guarantee his survival and using it may result in his destruction.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

*insert name & contact info in actual letter


Amanda said...

I think this query is suffering from a bit of 'telling, not showing'. For instance, when you say 'bound by promises he can't ignore'- I need to be told what promises they are. Why can't he ignore them? Will the world end? Will his Mom ground him? Setting the stakes would be good. Its also nice you tried to keep this concise, but try to tell us a little more about the story (while keeping it concise).
Hope that helps

Sunny said...

Thanks for the feedback. When I read through the query after sending it to this site, I kind of ground my teeth at the line, "bound by promises he can't ignore.." so yes, I do see your point and think a bit of a revamp of that line is necessary, particulary since it mentions unnecessary backstory.

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