May 28, 2010

Query-Mystic Draft 2

Click here to read the original query.

I am seeking representation for my completed 55,000-word upper middle grade fantasy, Mystic. (insert reason why I have chosen specific agent)

Crip, it’s fourteen-year-old Amelia Dean’s new nickname since a mystifying accident put her in a wheelchair. When Amelia hears a strange voice calling to her from her computer, asking for help, she needs to escape and agrees to go on a camping trip with her friend Greg and his eccentric Grandma K.

A car accident leaves Grandma K. unconscious and transports Amelia and Greg to the magical land of Mystic, where Amelia is healed, Greg disappears and a nefarious wizard named Ralient sees Amelia as his only obstacle to ruling Mystic. Amelia discovers Mystic is the home of her ancestors and she has inherited great powers but all she wants is to live a quiet life with the use of her legs. Amelia must face Ralient, rescue Greg, solve the mystery of the voice and decide if she will return home to the family she loves… and the wheelchair.

Mystic was inspired by my daughter, Arielle. At the age of ten she was in a car accident and became a paraplegic. The wheelchair has been part of our lives for six years and while Amelia is very different from Arielle their wheelchairs and desire for freedom are the same. This is my first novel.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Krista Rausin


Piedmont Writer said...

Krista this is much better but still needs a little bit. I like the way you've placed this in a specific genre, which I think works for this book.

I think Crip should be in quotes. "Crip". I also don't think it should be a 'mystifying' accident, is there another word you can use instead? And 'mystifying' sounds too close to Mystic.

We also don't know why she needs to escape from the voice in the computer. What is it? And why does she need to escape from it, is it driving her crazy? Is she afraid? Does it know her? Is it blackmail?

As to the camping trip, would her parents really let her go in a wheelchair with people who don't live with her and know the intricasies involved with raising a child in a wheelchair?

If I may -- Amelia hears a strange voice calling to her from her computer, asking for help. She's scared to death (insert here why -- it's the blackmailer, it's the demon, it's the ancestors and doesn't understand) and begs her parents for permission to go on a camping trip with her friend Greg and his Grandma.

The last paragraph is really good. It sums up the rest of the book fairly quickly, conflict and goal clearly stated.

Mystic needs to be capitalized in the query. MYSTIC. Delete -- This is my first novel.

Much much better. Good luck with this.

Anonymous said...

I'm very sorry to hear about your daughter's misfortune!

My sister is physically handicapped, and to her (and everyone in my family) that "nickname" has fangs. Of course, everyone's different, but chances are you might unintentionally offend some readers of your query (and book).

Of course, if it's an insult, and one more thing your character has to deal with, then that's different. But if so, don't call it a nickname.

Clearly you're very attached to the name "Mystic," but as people stated before, it does make one think of Connecticut.

Anonymous said...

I have read several agent blogs regarding query letters, and most of them agree that if this is your first novel, leave that info out of the letter as it's sort of a turn off. Also, I got caught on the first sentence in the second paragraph "Crip, it's..." I think this should be "Crip is" with no comma. It flows a bit more smoothly. And sorry to reiterate everyone else's opinions here, but why would the voice from the computer frighten Amelia? Honestly, if I heard a voice coming from my computer, I would think it was some sort of wierdo who hacked into my computer and I would just shut it off...unless they said something specifically to scare me. So what was it that scared her? Did the voice sound familiar? Did they threaten her? Take something from her? I think you need to go into a little more detail about this, otherwise as read it looks like a flimsy excuse to take a sudden camping trip. Otherwise, everything else looks great!

Anonymous said...

Piedmont Writer-Thank you for all of your input. It's always a pleasure meeting other writers and reading their blogs.

Anon 3:38-Thank you for your comments. For now I am attached to the title MYSTIC. It's been my working title for three years. If a publisher wants to change it-no problem.

Anon 7:22-Thank you for your help. I will take out the first novel sentence.

If anyone wants to follow MYSTIC's journey, I have a MYSTIC fan/like page on Facebook.