May 24, 2010

Query- SEAWEEDS

DATE

Dear AGENT,

On the shore, an unusual love triangle arises between a young man, a mermaid, and a man-killing siren in SEAWEEDS, a 65,000-word contemporary fantasy.

Sky Hunter never thought turning twenty-three would bring him a boat party, strange presents, and birthday sex. He and his hook-up, Melanie, ride it out until Sky falls off the boat and nearly drowns. He survives and winds up on the beach the next morning to discover a naked girl with violet eyes washed up on the shore. She can’t talk and has trouble with basic motor skills like walking or using silverware. Sky is led to believe the girl is a mermaid and was the one that rescued him. He names her Pearl, teaches her to be human, and falls head over heels for her.

There’s just one problem. Melanie isn’t too thrilled about Sky’s new girlfriend. She slaughters his cat and threatens to murder his family if he chooses to stay with Pearl. Sky isn’t going to give in without a fight, but when he discovers Melanie is a siren who has to seduce a man before feeding him to the ocean, he must find a way to stop her before she screws him over. Meanwhile, he faces the ultimate task of figuring out a way to prevent Pearl from turning back into a mermaid.

SEAWEEDS is The Little Mermaid with sex, violence, and alcohol. INSERT SOMETHING ABOUT YOURSELF. Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you at your earliest convenience.


Sincerely,

N. Blank

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3 comments:

Anonymous said...

Okay, I find the premise, that this mermaid or siren is going to sacrifice her lover to the ocean, interesting. The query has a few issues.

One is diction shift. Phrases like "birthday sex" and "screws him over" do not match the fantasy tone of the rest of your query.

I'm also having trouble with the idea of falling in love with a woman who appears to be completely helpless. Why does he want to prevent her from turning back into a mermaid, when she seems to have great difficulty coping with life on land? She might be happier as a mermaid.

In fact, the two women in the story seem to be 1. evil, but up for hot sex and 2. helpless. Please bear in mind that your query will most likely be read by a woman.

May 24, 2010 at 8:40 AM
Anonymous said...

The Little Mermaid meets Splash with a little bit of Fatal Attraction thrown in for good measure.

Anonymous #2

May 24, 2010 at 5:55 PM
Jill said...

I also thought Spalsh meets Fatal Attraction!

Sounds like there's a bit of raunch in the book -- that's great. But when you say that Sky and Melanie "ride it out," was there a storm? Or are we talking about the hook up? The way I read it, Sky and Melanie (blush) get it on until Sky falls off the boat.

And maybe there's a better phrase when you say Sky needs to stop Melanie before she "screws him over." I'd say threatening to kill his family and toss him into the ocean is a notch or two above screw-over level.

I don't want you to change so much that the voice of your query doesn't match the voice of your novel. But some of your phrasing just didn't sound right to me.

Great story, though.

May 25, 2010 at 12:28 PM

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