Click here to read the original query.
Click here to read the first revision.
Click here to read the second revision.
Queries for this novel have been posted a few times before, and I thank everyone for their great suggestions! This time I'm trying something more succinct while focusing more on the inspirational side of the story. I think everyone is becoming blaise about good vampire as paramour type stories.
Dear Agent,
Grateful no one noticed her watching from the shadows, Jennie felt like an unworthy, unwanted outsider before this surreal, sumptuous, candlelit world.
How this shy,imaginative, niave woman arrives on the border of Charos' decadent and surreal world makes for the first half of Winter Roses Never Die. How she breaks through her own barricades and those created by the cynical, elusive and troubled Charos makes for the second half. The story of Jennie's inspired journey through the maze of life's mysteries and misleading negativities, brings hope and answers for all.
Winter Roses Never Die is a paranormal and inspirational romance for adults of 94,000 words.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
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10 comments:
Hi,
It's stronger but I think you might need another draft. There's a lot of double or triple adjectives, "surreal, sumptuous, candlelit world." and "cynical, elusive and troubled Charos" Pick one.
In the second paragraph you pose the questions, "How this shy,imaginative, niave woman arrives on the border of Charos' decadent and surreal world makes for the first half of Winter Roses Never Die. How she breaks through her own barricades and those created by the cynical, elusive and troubled Charos makes for the second half."
Instead of being vague EXPLAIN in one or two sentences HOW she arrives on the Border and any conflicts she faces.
Who is Charos? Why is he a source of conflict?
"paranormal and inspirational romance for adults of 94,000 words." This a lot of genres for one book. What book shelf would it go on in a book store. You might want to change the genre depending on who you are sending the query to.
good luck!
I understand that you are trying to pull back, but instead of succinct you went vague.
I agree that the strings of adjectives should be cut. (unworthy, unwanted; surreal, sumptuous, candlelit; shy, imaginitive, niave; cynical, elusive, and troubled)
Honestly, I don't have a clue what happens in the story based on this query.
Start over, and tell your plot in a single sentence:
Jennie needs to accomplish X, and unless she can stop Charos from Y, then Z will happen.
Once you have that sentence, add some details to spice it up without getting into an extended synopsis. Don't use adjectives to tell us about the characters and the world, use the actions in the story to show us.
Thank you, Erinn and Rick, for that great advice. :)
It took over a decade to write this story. Looks like it'll take another ten to get the query right. :p
Hi, I think it's stronger. Still I can't understand who or what is Charo. Is it a city? Her lover?
Omg, Jacqueline - lol. I think I can safely assume this to be a query fail. You know, I could lead with this query: There was this chick, Jennie, kind of shy like. She fancied this bloke, Charos, but thought there was something weird about him. And she was right! He was a flat out non-human type of guy who fancied a little corpuscle in his diet and a little dirt in his sleeping arrangements.
Well, I mean, that would liven up the query right? Except the voice is...all wrong *g*
Seriously, thank you, Jacqueline for replying. I appreciate you taking the time to untangle this query mess. :)
The voice may be wrong in the comments' version just above, but the substance is more what you should be aiming for.
I think you're trying too hard. Drop the fancy language, and just tell the agent about this really amazing woman and her really fascinating problem and what she's doing to fix it.
I admittedly did not read your previous drafts but I'm not sure what your book is about? I'm in the middle of trying to find the balance between too much information and too little.
I think you're right, gj. :)
Thanks, Jolene. Yes, queries are harder than they appear to do well.
I've read the whole query and still don't know what your book is about. Agents just want to know what your book is about--lose the flowery prose and give some details about what happens.
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