Click here to read the original query.
Click here to read the first revision.
Ok, I have a revision. I softened the opening statements by inserting the word "feels" in ONE of the phrases but left it as-is in the other. Let me know if it helps take the sting out. I removed the ins. $$ and tightened up the rest. Here 'tis:
Dear [Agent],
I thought you would be interested in my book .
John Douglas feels betrayed by God when his wife and child are killed in a house fire. On a rampage against the Almighty and his old moral code, John resists the incessant voice of the Lord whispering to his soul and numbs his pain with alcohol. But now the liquor isn’t enough to stave off his torment. Thoughts of suicide are interrupted when he meets April, a lookalike of his dead wife. She names her price, and he throws himself into the one-night fantasy. Come morning the illusion is shattered and John is assaulted by shame. Broken, he repents and finds comfort and restoration in God.
John is astounded by a second chance at love when he meets church-going Jenni. Their future together promises to be a happily-ever-after, until April makes her way to John’s doorstep claiming he is the father of her unborn child. Now John wrestles with his shameful past, Jenni faces insecurity and bitterness, and April doesn’t know what to make of all the “God talk” going on. For John and Jenni, it will take incredible faith to follow God through what is quickly becoming their darkest valley, but a willingness to surrender all could save a soul in the process.
BEAUTY FOR ASHES is a contemporary Christian novel standing at approximately 93,000 words. The full manuscript is available upon request. Thank you for your time, I look forward to hearing from you.
Sincerely,
Michelle Massaro
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3 comments:
Michelle, this looks great to me. Except for the first sentence. It goes without saying (when you're in the grocery store, you don't tell the clerk you want to buy this loaf of bread: she knows) and it also lacks the confidence that the following two paragraphs convey.
Oh, I'd also just leave the last line at "thank you for your time". (Esp as it's a comma-splice... and again goes without saying.)
Yay! Thanks! That's the second person around the web to essentially give this version a thumbs-up. Do you know how gratifying that is after days of blood, sweat, and tears and wondering if you'll ever get it right?
First sentence is a place holder for personalized agent info anyways so that's no biggie. Last line is easy enough to fix too.
Thanks again to Anon and RCWriter and of course Rick- and anyone else who weighed in on this over the past week whose name I can't recall now. Gracias!
(if anyone out there disagrees that this query is finished please don't hesitate to speak up with your input.)
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