Aug 31, 2010

Query - The End Begins (3rd Revision)

Click here to read the original query.
Click here to read the first revision.
Click here to read the second revision.

The End Begins follows Rai coping as the only sorceress among a human population during a time of war. To private special interests, she offers herself as a mercenary to gain knowledge of her past and of the world around her so she can live some kind of life.

For her latest assignment she must protect the Source of Sentient Free Will. This remains unclaimed by the C.U.T. the invading enemy force who’s taking control of any ‘alien’ technology that come into the world.

But as the population of non-human anomalies grows, it forces C.U.T. to go after the coveted fruit, so to understand all the strange occurrences happening, and take down anyone in their path. Against an army, aided by pockets of residential resistance, she must navigate the dangerous territory while racing against C.U.T. to stop them from their ultimate conquest.

The End Begins is a 120,000 word science/fantasy story, with sample chapters available upon request. Thank you for your consideration.

5 comments:

Dominique said...

I think this is your best version yet. It's concise, and I think you've limited to the names the reader needs to know.

I might suggest, though, that unless it's apple shape referred to in greater detail, one might not want to refer to the Source of Sentient Free Will as a fruit, otherwise you might engender confusion.

Mesmerix said...

Good morning! This is better, you know it's better, I know it's better, so let's skip it and go straight to the criticism, ok? :)

The only things you need to fix in this now are super small, in my opinion. Then, you'll be ready to go.

1) Book title goes in ALL CAPS for a query. I'm not sure why this is, but that's the format I've seen.

2) Living "some kind of life" is a weak descriptor. It's too vague, lacks the punch needed for a first paragraph. Spice it up! Example: So she can answer the questions of her cursed ancestory. OR So she can buy herself a life that doesn't involve bleeding all the time. (Ask yourself what Rai wants MOST of all, and use that to fix the descriptor. I don't know what it is, so it's hard for me to give you an example that fits.)

3) Paragraph 2, 'alien' does not need quotes. Quotes are used to offset words that mean something other than what they appear to mean. In this case, alien apepars to mean what it means and doesn't need the quotes.

4) Paragraph 2, "this remains unclaimed" is weak description. Try going straight into the stakes/conflict from the first sentence. Example, "she must protect the Source from CUT., the invading enemy force that takes control of alien technology. If CUT controls the Source BLAH happens." Or wahtever the stakes are.

5) The reference to the Source as "fruit" is a copy error from the previous query. You removed the bit about it being an apple, so now you can't use fruit. Just call it the Source if this is what you want to do.

6) Paragraph 3, first sentence, is a run-on. Splice it into 2. Tell me more about CUT. Then go into Rai's actions (and say her name again, don't say she, because the pronoun refers to someone I haven't heard from in awhile, make sense?).

7) Cut's "ultimate conquest." What is it? This is too vague. What are the stakes? What do they really want? What's their motivation, or at least what Rai believes their motivation is.

8) Genre science fantasy does not need a /.

This is so much better. I am now nit-picking your individual sentences for clarity, which is where you want to be. The focus, character, conflict, and everything is there.

I want to read this. Keep revising! It is so close.

Scribbler to Scribe

Anonymous Author said...

"Book title goes in ALL CAPS for a query. I'm not sure why this is, but that's the format I've seen."

Mesmerix, I don't think it matters. It's a format I've seen, too, but I was able to sell three novels to a major publisher without ever putting my title in all caps.

Mesmerix said...

Anon: Entirely right. It's a minor thing that I don't think will matter much. But I've always taken the approach of when in doubt, follow the guidelines.

Gratz on selling 3 books. That is a wonderful accomplishment!

Jeff said...

Thanks for the encouragement/feedback guys. I feel it's so close, I'm very excited. There's tad bit more to mold as I revise it now, we'll see what happens!

The fruit thing was a slip on my part. my bad ;)