Dear Awesome Agent,
Knight of Light is an 89,000 word young adult fantasy about a sixteen-year-old girl and her quest to fit into the 12th century’s rigid social expectations despite her dangerous abnormalities – in fact, Scotlyn is afraid she might not be human.
After escaping torture from a servant of the Dark Rebellion, Scotlyn is hired as a handmaid in Oswestry, England. Although she is apparently betrothed to a prince of the mythical Kingdom of Neviah she catches the eye of young Duke Lyrad. Their beautiful romance is cut short when Lyrad departs and disappears in King Richard’s holy crusade. Now Lyrad’s back and is the leader of an army sent to destroy her homeland. Scotlyn must set aside social norms of a society denying equal rights and decide if she is the damsel in distress or the knight in shining armor.
To protect her country from Lyrad and the Dark Rebellion, Scotlyn enlists the help of a clever dwarf, accident-prone pixie and a rugged mysterious ranger (Cyrus, the Prince of Neviah) with his own paranormal abilities — and immortal secrets. When she starts to discern the enemy’s thoughts and is offered power, wealth and a proposal of marriage from the man she once loved, she questions her forgotten past and the reasons behind her personal crusade. In the face of war and political conspirators, the Dark Rebellion trying to steal her powers to control fire and England’s charming lords trying to steal her heart, Scotlyn must embrace her destiny, expose her secrets and set in motion an apocalyptic prophecy or concede the kingdom she swore to defend.
Knight of Light is the first book in a series, but can also stand on its own. The series progresses forward and delves into documented historical phenomenon and natural disasters of biblical proportions that entices indulgence of a fine line between intriguing fact and alluring fantasy.
As an author, I have been a featured guest at festivals and conferences throughout the United States including the international Comic-Con in San Diego. I have published numerous articles on a wide range of topics including writing techniques. I’ve worked professionally as a ghostwriter and as a playwright for a local theater. I am the manager for two of New York Times Best Seller, David Farland's writing groups and I am a member of American Night Writers Association. Aside from being a mother I juggle a full time career as an author, professional illustrator and e-book animator.
I look forward to your response.
Best,
Deirdra Eden Coppel
guidedhope@gmail.com
www.Knightess.com
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8 comments:
This is too long-- too much like a synopsis, and too confusing. It looks like there could be an interesting story here, but right now it's buried in words.
"12th century" made me think we were in for a historical. Then the heroine's name didn't sound historical, and there was an imaginary kingdom and a Dark Rebellion I had never heard of--then a pixie. So I thought, all right, a fantasy. Then we were back to King Richard and the Crusades-- historical. In the end I decided it must be an alternate history/fantasy, but you don't want the reader's energy spent trying to guess what's going on.
I'd leave off the last paragraph. It naturally made me go to amazon to look for your books. It will have the same effect on agents. The only thing that should go in the "bio" paragraph is any writing you've been paid for... unless the agent has specifically asked for a bio.
This sounds like you've got a very interesting story on your hands. The problem is, I've read this whole thing and I'm not sure I've really got a handle on what it's about. This needs to be simplified.
The part about her being not human totally hooked me. Then the next paragraph was about something else. That's when I lost interest.
I agree that it's too long.
The first sentence could be shortened. And I for one am more of a fan of jumping straight to the plot rather than introduce the title, genre and word length.
"Sixteen year old Scotlyn has trouble fitting in because of her dangerous abnormalities– in fact, she might not be human."
See how that gets right to the point? And it mentions the most interesting part- that she's not human.
I'm at work right now- i'll give more suggestions later. But overall, I think you have potential to make this great.
Knight of Light is an 89,000 word young adult fantasy about a sixteen-year-old girl and her quest to fit into the 12th century’s rigid social expectations despite her dangerous abnormalities – in fact, Scotlyn is afraid she might not be human. I WOULD CUT THE UNCERTAINTY. INSTEAD OF "MIGHT NOT BE HUMAN" BE DIRECT: "Scotlyn's afraid she's not human."
After escaping torture from a servant of the Dark Rebellion, Scotlyn is hired as a handmaid in Oswestry, England. Although she is apparently betrothed to a prince of the mythical Kingdom of Neviah she catches the eye of young Duke Lyrad. Their beautiful romance is cut short when Lyrad departs and disappears in King Richard’s holy crusade. Now Lyrad’s back and is the leader of an army sent to destroy her homeland. Scotlyn must set aside social norms of a society denying equal rights and decide if she is the damsel in distress or the knight in shining armor. YOU'RE CUTTING THROUGH A LOT OF TIME HERE W/OUT GIVING US A SENSE OF THE OVERALL PLOT.
To protect her country from Lyrad and the Dark Rebellion, Scotlyn enlists the help of a clever dwarf, accident-prone pixie and a rugged mysterious ranger (Cyrus, the Prince of Neviah) with his own paranormal abilities — and immortal secrets. When she starts to discern the enemy’s thoughts and is offered power, wealth and a proposal of marriage from the man she once loved, she questions her forgotten past and the reasons behind her personal crusade. In the face of war and political conspirators, the Dark Rebellion trying to steal her powers to control fire and England’s charming lords trying to steal her heart, Scotlyn must embrace her destiny, expose her secrets and set in motion an apocalyptic prophecy or concede the kingdom she swore to defend.
Knight of Light is the first book in a series, but can also stand on its own. The series progresses forward and delves into documented historical phenomenon and natural disasters of biblical proportions that entices indulgence of a fine line between intriguing fact and alluring fantasy.
As an author, I have been a featured guest at festivals and conferences throughout the United States including the international Comic-Con in San Diego. THIS COULD BE USEFUL IF YOU WERE FEATURED IN RELATION TO WRITING, BUT IT DOESN'T SOUND LIKE IT. I have published numerous articles on a wide range of topics including writing techniques. I’ve worked professionally as a ghostwriter and as a playwright for a local theater. I am the manager for two of New York Times Best Seller, David Farland's writing groups and I am a member of American Night Writers Association. Aside from being a mother I juggle a full time career as an author, professional illustrator and e-book animator.
I look forward to your response.
YOU HAVE GOOD CREDENTIALS, BUT THE QUERY NEEDS DEFINITE FOCUS. IF THIS AN E-QUERY, YOU ONLY HAVE 250 WORDS TO GET YOUR POINT ACROSS, SO YOUR FOCUS SHOULD BE ON:
1) Your main character, who she is, what she can do, where she's at in her life when the book starts (1-2 sentences)
2) the catalyst - what sets the plot in motion
3) the antagonist - who/what she's fighting against
3) the choice - what choices your main character has to make at the end of the novel, aka "the stakes"
Knight of Light is an 89,000 word young adult fantasy about a sixteen-year-old girl and her quest to fit into the 12th century’s rigid social expectations despite her dangerous abnormalities – in fact, Scotlyn is afraid she might not be human. I WOULD CUT THE UNCERTAINTY. INSTEAD OF "MIGHT NOT BE HUMAN" BE DIRECT: "Scotlyn's afraid she's not human."
The first paragraph: You're cutting through a lot of time here w/out giving us a sense of the overall plot.
As an author, I have been a featured guest at festivals and conferences throughout the United States including the international Comic-Con in San Diego. THIS COULD BE USEFUL IF YOU WERE FEATURED IN RELATION TO WRITING, BUT IT DOESN'T SOUND LIKE IT. I have published numerous articles on a wide range of topics including writing techniques. I’ve worked professionally as a ghostwriter and as a playwright for a local theater. I am the manager for two of New York Times Best Seller, David Farland's writing groups and I am a member of American Night Writers Association. Aside from being a mother I juggle a full time career as an author, professional illustrator and e-book animator.
I look forward to your response.
YOU HAVE GOOD CREDENTIALS, BUT THE QUERY NEEDS DEFINITE FOCUS. IF THIS AN E-QUERY, YOU ONLY HAVE 250 WORDS TO GET YOUR POINT ACROSS, SO YOUR FOCUS SHOULD BE ON:
1) Your main character, who she is, what she can do, where she's at in her life when the book starts (1-2 sentences)
2) the catalyst - what sets the plot in motion
3) the antagonist - who/what she's fighting against
3) the choice - what choices your main character has to make at the end of the novel, aka "the stakes"
In the first paragraph, cut the uncertainty. Instead of "might not be human", be direct: Scotlyn's afraid she's not human.
The next paragraph time-jumps a lot without giving a sense of the overall plot.
You have good writing credentials, but I would not mention Comic-Con unless you were there for something writing-related. If so, then specify.
It sounds like you have a good book in place, but you need to focus your query. If this is an e-query, you have 250 words to make your point. So your focus should be on
1) your main character, who she is, what she can do, and where she's at when the book starts (1-3 sentences)
2) the catalyst - what happens to set the plot moving forward
3) the antagonist - what she's up against
4) the stakes - what choices your main character has to make and what it's going to cost her if she makes the wrong decision
Good writing credentials = writing you've been paid for. If the author has been paid for published books that she's ghost-written, she should name them, title, date and publisher. Leading a writing group, etc. shows a commitment to writing, but it doesn't show that someone else has thought the writing good enough to pay for.
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