Oct 11, 2010

Query - All Because of You (First Revision)

Click here to read the original query.

Forced to kill for sport until the age of sixteen, Adelaide Banvard has been kept at the side of Christian Wren, one of the most powerful men in Los Angeles and the man who saved her life. For ten years she’s obeyed his every command and whim, the schizophrenic monster in her head enjoying every moment of pain and every drop of blood on her hands. But Adelaide finally has the chance to escape this life of violence. Her opportunity comes in the form of ATF Agent Marcus Grant, a man whose assignment is to apprehend Wren, the suspected leader behind one of the largest gun-running operations California has ever seen. Adelaide’s loyalties are tested at every turn as she fights her way out of Wren’s organization, the power Wren holds over her and the attraction she hides for the undercover ATF agent who wants her behind bars for murder.
ALL BECAUSE OF YOU is an 85,000 word contemporary and suspenseful women’s fiction novel. I am an active member in the Las Vegas Romance Writer’s chapter of Romance Writer’s of America and have a degree from Utah Valley University in the field of Psychology. I have accurate knowledge on the subject of schizophrenia and would be glad to send you my complete manuscript for your review. Thank you for your time and consideration, and I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Sincerely,
Me

4 comments:

Anonymous Author said...

Okay, you have given us a much clearer idea of what's going on now than before.

In the opening, it's not clear that you mean killing humans for sport. Usually when people kill for sport, it's little fuzzy critters that are the victims. Sport seems like an odd reason to kill someone; can you be more specific? What was she saved from and who did she kill?

Now, getting back to the genre: truly less is more here. I've been through trying to sell a cross-genre novel. It's extremely difficult. (After selling three genre novels, I was unable to sell my fourth, genre-crossing novel. The reason given for most of the rejections: bookstores don't know where to shelve cross-genre novels.)

"Contemporary" isn't necessary, and I'm not seeing the women's fiction angle here. It sounds like suspense to me, based on the plot you've described.

Whatever happens, it's hard to feature a romantic future for this couple; Adelaide's likely to be spending some time in state custody.

The Las Vegas Writer said...

There are some romantic elements, but you're right, the MCs do not end up together. You would describe this as suspense then? I did have a really hard time trying to find a genre for this MS and am still a little fuzzy on it.

Rick Daley said...

I would expect to see this as Suspense / Thriller. It seems the assassinations, gun running, and government agencies are the core of the story, kind of like a David Baldacci novel.

The query needs more white space...be sure to leave a line break between paragraphs.

You mention Wren saved her life, but don't delve into that sub-plot. Consider leaving it out, to me it's a loose thread.

When you say the schizophrenic monster in her head, you're referring to her own mental state, and not making an allusion to Wren's commands, right? That line confused me on the first read.

Re-work this sentence, I believe you have some dangling participles:
Adelaide’s loyalties are tested at every turn as she fights her way out of Wren’s organization, the power Wren holds over her and the attraction she hides for the undercover ATF agent who wants her behind bars for murder.

This is the type of book I would enjoy, good luck!

Anonymous Author said...

Well, don't ask me, it's your manuscript :-). But it does have to have just one genre and from what you've said so far it doesn't sound like women's fiction and does sound like a thriller.

Mentioning your membership in RWA may be extraneous too if you're selling a thriller.

Instead, try to give us a clearer idea of the plot.