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Click here to read the first revision.
Dear Agent,
Fourteen year old Gabriel's parents are dead. He barely escapes from his family's burning estate and flees to a nearby forest. Gabriel defeats an armed pursuer only to be chased by another, who turns out to be a man that is not harmed by any of Gabriel's bullets.
Then, Gabriel awakens in a bright room. It is filled with people wearing long, white coats. They tell him that he volunteered at the White Horizon Research Facility for a classified psychological study two weeks ago. The program is a failure.
Gabriel`s hazy memory returns along with the angry voices that have plagued him for five years. He knows what they want, but he has no idea how to make up for the unforgiveable thing he has done.
The paranoid medical staff debates on whether or not to euthanize the study`s volunteers. Gabriel and two other participants run away from the facility. To make matters worse, an armed maniac - one of the study's ex volunteers - will not rest until she kills all three of them. Wherever they go, she finds them.
Gabriel will have to find a way to keep himself - and his new friends - alive.
Possessed is a young adult supernatural thriller that contains a final word count of 56,000 words.
Thank you for taking the time to review my work.
Sincerely,
Sara Flower Kjeldsen
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5 comments:
Okay, this is better. I feel like we're getting somewhere :).
In the first graf, I'd change "estate" to "house" since you're no longer providing the historical background: "estate" is a word that raises questions.
In graf two, I think you need to explain just what's been changed-- Gabriel's family no longer exists or whatever. Otherwise we're confused. This is, IIRC, your twist, so you want to make sure we know that. G realizes he's not G but X.
In graf three, what are the memories returning and where are they returning from? This might be a good place to mention that he has two sets. What was the study and why is it a failure?
Next, euthanizing the study's volunteers is so entirely outside the normal range of human thought and experience that it needs some context. How can they have the power (let alone the inclination) to do such a thing?
Don't be afraid to state things baldly.
One last thing, I'm still not sure why you state the word count as you do. It sounds awkward.
Thanks for the comments!
Your second paragraph is super strong, and really drew me into the plot. It would be great if you started there. Paragraph one feels like back-story, and I don't think it's necessary. Also, I don't think your opening line is very attention-grabbing. He has dead parents. So what?
What's "the unforgivable thing he has done"? An agent will want to know specifics.
Why does an armed mechanic want to kill them?
As I said, the query definitely does a good job of drawing me into the plot, especially the whole "classified psychological study" bit... but I feel like there's something missing in the connective threads from sentence to sentence, idea to idea.
Good luck revising!
Thanks so much for letting me know about that second paragraph! It us good to know at what point my query draws interest.
Stupid Blogger ate my comment! This is looking better with each revision. My only suggestions are to elaborate on the 'unforgiveable thing' (maybe change your wording. 'Thing' just sounds funny awkward. Maybe try 'act' or 'murder') and remove the 'or not' in this sentence: The paranoid medical staff debates on whether or not to euthanize the study`s volunteers.
Great work :)
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