Nov 3, 2010

Washed-YA Paranormal

Dear Agent,

Eighteen-year-old Luke Tremaine isn’t claiming he’s an angel, in fact he's far from it, but he never thought he was really bad,like going to the Underworld forever kind of bad.

See, according to Karma, a freaky supernatural entity, Luke’s on his hundredth reincarnated life and it seems that his trademark, couldn’t care less attitude has been a constant in every one of those past lives. Bottom line, he’s got a lot of making up to do with the souls he’s messed with over the years, or what Karma calls getting Washed.

As far as Luke’s concerned, the whole Washed plan has epic fail written all over it. Seriously, how’s he going to find all his so called jobs since, news flash, he has no idea who they are. And even if he does, how’s he supposed to fix up with them, he’s not exactly a giving kind of guy?

But when Moveora, Karma’s gnarly evil twin, shows a vested interest in Luke doing his job,the whole game plan changes. Suddenly it’s not just his neck on the line because Moveora’s got Luke’s best friend Daria in her claws and if Luke knows what’s good for him, he’ll follow the Washed plan to the tee, otherwise Daria will be the one paying for his mistakes.

Washed is Young Adult Paranormal complete at about 68,000. I can be reached at the address provided. Thank you for your time and consideration, and I look forward to hearing from you.

Thanks so much,any comments will be appreciated.D


Jolene Perry said...

I liked your hook.

I don't think you need "every one of those past lives" you already said hundredth reincarnated life and so I would end that sentence with "constant."

I love "epic fail"
I'm a little confused on "jobs" I assume it's part of the Washed plan. You might want to find a way to make that more clear.

"best friend Daria in her claws. If Luke..."

If Luke doesn't follow the Washed plan to the tee Daria will be the one..."
(I think it makes the stakes clearer instead of tacking them on to the end the past sentence)

I really like this a lot. I'd totally read it.
I think his attitude is clear, I think the stakes are well defined and your voice is all over this thing which is excellent. Best of luck to you.

Stephanie M. Lorée said...

Good voice, plot is clear. It's an excellent start.

I suggest going over each line individually and combing out excess words. Some have been mentioned already by the previous commenter.

Also, in the 4th paragraph, cut down on names. Try to stick to just 2 characters max in a query and relate any other characters back to those 2 without using names. So, Daria is simply "Luke's best friend" and Moveora is "Karma's gnarly evil twin". (Love gnarly by the way.) Cut down on names though to prevent name soup. I got tripped up on who was doing what.

YA is capitalized, young adult paranormal is not. Should read, "WASHED is a young adult paranormal complete..." Putting the title in all caps helps it stand out clearly.

Looks great though. Clean up some of the extra words and I think you have aw inner.

Anne Gallagher said...

I LOVED the voice in this! Really great.

"How's he supposed to fix up with them..." I'm not crazy about this line. I had to read it through twice to get it.

The only thing I really had a problem with was the name Moveora. I kept reading it as Move-over. I don't know why. Maybe if you took the e out -- Movora.

All in all, I really liked this. Good Luck.

Melissa Gill said...

Not much to add to what's already been said. Great voice. The thing that stood out for me was "fix up with them" I have no idea what that means. But this is a great idea and if you use the suggestions you should have a dynamite query.

Anonymous Author said...

The voice is good, particularly in the first paragraph. In the second paragraph it becomes a bit overdone, so I'd dial it back a bit. (Take out "See" and "freaky" and you should be fine.)

The plot's interesting, though when you said "jobs" I immediately thought of Mark Zusak's The Messenger. You don't want to invite the comparison since your story is quite different, except for the jobs. Though it likely has the same Moral.

In this sentence:

And even if he does, how’s he supposed to fix up with them, he’s not exactly a giving kind of guy?

I think you mean "fix IT up," or "fix things up." And make "He's not a giving kind of guy" a separate sentence. Otherwise you have a comma splice, which is a kind of run-on.

Sounds interesting. Good luck with it.

Denise said...

Thanks everyone for taking the time to give me much needed feedback, Ive already changed my query and it reads so much better,thanks again, D

Julie said...

Yes, I agree that its a bit long and probably could be cut down, but the voice is terrific!

Voice alone, CAN make you stand out in a giant slushpile. Great job!

Kaleen said...

This novel sounds amazing!
The reading got a bit bumpy in the 4th paragraph. The real conflict with Karma and Daria seems too glazed over. I would elaborate on this a bit more, since it's the conflict/stakes of the plot. Also, I would take the word "see" off the beginning of the second paragraph. Also leave out any words you don't need, like "bottom line" and "if Luke knows what's good for him" since most agents are looking for word-economical writers that avoid cliche.