Jan 13, 2011

QUERY- WALKING OFF PLUTO (First Revision)

Click here to read the original query.

WALKING OFF PLUTO examines the impact of grief on the lives of two sisters and the wayward young man who helps them to realize that everyone grieves, just in different ways. Some people cry and openly express their feelings, but for others, it feels like a journey across the universe just to begin the process. If you start to grieve, will you ever stop grieving?

Seventeen-year-old Lynn refuses to grieve for her dying father. She doesn't want to end up like her older sister, Chloe, sucked in an endless black hole of tears, broken dishes, pills, and unfinished sentences. Instead, Lynn becomes obsessed with outer space, especially Pluto, an outcast in the solar system. Feeling out of orbit with her dysfunctional family, she spends most of her time alone with her telescope, trying to find the impossible-to-find rejected planet.

Chloe attempts to crack through Lynn's self-created shell by destroying Lynn's telescope and freedom to leave the house after dark but ends up pushing Lynn into further isolation. Lynn becomes practically inhuman, not even reacting to a slap across the face, until she befriends Peter.

Peter is an actor pretending to be sick. Or a cancer patient. Or he has an eating disorder. Bottom line, he's not well physically, but mentally he's off the chart. He speaks his mind, yet lies constantly, and thinks Pluto will always be a planet at heart. Lynn initially uses him as a distraction away from her family and for sex, but Peter views their encounters as the beginnings of a relationship. When Peter opens up about his own experiences with loss, Lynn realizes that if she doesn't face her father's death and grieve for him, she'll never be able to love anyone.

My young adult novel is complete at 50,000 words. Thank you for your time and consideration.

4 comments:

Dominique said...

I'd nix the first paragraph. It's straight up telling, and it doesn't really give me a sense of what your story is.
In fact, a lot of this reads more tell than show, which doesn't entice me to read on.

Teralyn Rose Pilgrim said...

I agree. I think your query starts of boring and gets progressively more interesting as it continues.

Teralyn Rose Pilgrim said...

I just read your first query, and I like it a million times better. Individual scenes within a query are confusing, and the whole connection to Pluto felt strange, but your first query is direct, specific, and better. Does anyone else agree with me?

N. Blank said...

I think I'm gonna cut the whole first paragraph. It sounds like a textbook.