Click here to read the original query.
Click here to read the first revision.
I submitted my first two revisions a while ago (under the title Nephilim Wars), and got some really good feedback. I’ve spent a while working on this as well as changing and adding to my story. I have also spent some time getting a better understanding of how to present my novel. Thanks again for all the feedback!
Dear [Agent name],
Captain Nolan Fields of the United States Marine Core is the only survivor of his last mission. His reward? Command of the fabled Alpha Company Recon Marines. Their first mission together is security for negotiations between Earth and a distant planet, Aztlan. Through an ancient portal connecting our two planets knights and wizards have traveled to Earth, seeking help.
But the enemy has followed them to Earth. They attack, changing two of Captain Fields’ men into Neila monsters and abducting another. Determined to save his men Captain Fields and his marines travel to Aztlan.
As they search the foreign landscape they find a human castle besieged by the grey Nephilim aliens. This technologically advanced race seeks the destruction of humanity whether they are from Aztlan or Earth. Captain Fields and his marines intervene saving the castle and starting a war.
But the very humans Captain Fields seeks to help betray them and the Nephilim capture the portal back to Earth. Now, Captain Fields must fight to secure the way home. But his biggest challenge is coming to terms with the fact that he cannot bring all him men home alive.
Soldiers of Earth: Nephilim Wars is the first of a completed Science Fiction / Fantasy trilogy at 90,000 words. I have not been published before.
Thank you for your time, and I look forward to hearing from you soon.
Best wishes,
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1 comment:
Dear writer,
Let me try to say this without being harsh. I don't think you're ready to query yet.
If you're still adding to your manuscript, then you probably haven't revised it enough.
This query letter, revised, contains several errors. (For example, "Marine Core" and "him men".) In addition, many of the sentences are unclear and hard to follow. That suggests the same may be true of your manuscript.
I think you need to take this manuscript to a critique group. If you can't find one locally, there are several websites that offer them, including www.critters.org and Orson Scott Card's website.
Good luck.
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