Click here to read the original query.
Click here to read the first revision.Click here to read the second revision.
(same thing here- the word 'really' is meant to be in italics
Thanks for the help and feedback to this point- I really appreciate it.)
Ex-Army security expert Ryan Anderson thought it was just his bad luck when a careless truck rammed into his car. He had no idea how dangerous its cargo was- or who was behind it.
But when the men in the truck brutally attack him, Ryan retaliates with the help of beautiful attorney Jessica Webb. Turns out she's the smart one. The one who figures out that it's not just the Chechens they have to worry about, but the really bad man who paid them to ferry their illicit shipment to Seattle from half a world away.
Working together, Ryan and Jessica quickly realize it wasn't just a random accident, but part of a sinister scheme set in motion by the fall of the Soviet Union, decades ago. They uncover a bloody trail that leads from Washington to the Sudan to Moscow, when Jessica suddenly disappears. Turns out he's the brave one. The one who knows that unless he can find her, and stop the one man who started it all, they'll both be dead by first light. Ashes, actually.
REVERSAL OF PROVIDENCE is an 84,000-WORD thriller, first in a series. Readers of authors like Vince Flynn, Frederick Forsyth, and Daniel Silva might enjoy this book.
I have a BA in English from the University of Iowa. Like my protagonist Ryan Anderson, I am a 'security expert'. I own a business specializing in products for video surveillance.
Thank you for reviewing this query.
4 comments:
You're very welcome for the comments, but, er... I was the only one who commented on your last revision, and you ignored all my comments in writing this revision, so I'm not exactly sure what you're revising toward.
Carry on. Good luck.
Anon- thanks- I wrote my 3rd revision BEFORE my 2nd was posted and I saw your comments- so maybe with my 4th I can review your comments and come up with something improved. Your comments are all good, this has been a HUGE help as I know my manuscript has merit- but writing a query has been a challenge- again thanks- I have a sneaking feeling that you are a published author who wants to help fledgling writers...
Ex-Army security expert Ryan Anderson thought it was THINKS IT'S just his bad luck when a careless truck rammed RAMS into his car. He had HAS no idea how dangerous its cargo was- or who was behind it.
SHOULD BE PRESENT TENSE, LIKE YOU ALREADY HAVE IN NEXT PARAGRAPH
But when the men in the truck brutally attack him, Ryan retaliates with the help of beautiful attorney Jessica Webb. Turns out she's the smart one. The one who figures out that it's not just the Chechens WHAT ARE CHECHENS? they have to worry about, but ALSO the really bad man who paid them to ferry their illicit shipment to Seattle from half a world away. THIS ISN'T CLEAR, YOUR PRONOUNS. THE SENTENCES BEGINS WITH WHO FIGURED IT OUT BUT THE NEXT PART OF THE SENTENCE TALKS ABOUT PAYING TO FERRY "THEIR" ILLICIT SHIPMENT. THIS ISN'T GOING TO WORK. YOU NEED TO BE MORE CLEAR WHO'S DOING WHAT.
Working together, Ryan and Jessica quickly realize it wasn't just a random accident, but part of a sinister scheme set in motion by the fall of the Soviet Union, decades ago. They uncover a bloody trail that leads from Washington to the Sudan to Moscow, when Jessica suddenly disappears. Turns out he's the brave one. The one who knows that unless he can find her, and stop the one man who started it all, they'll both be dead by first light. Ashes, actually. DON'T GET THE ASHES PART AT ALL
OVER ALL, GOOD JOB!
Thanks for the review and comments- they have been EXTREMELY helpful-
Anon- really appreciate your specific points throughout several revisions- THANK YOU
1- I went from 2nd to 3rd revision without reading your comments- and thus I incorporated your suggestions in the 4th revision (which I will post next)- you were spot on- you are right, a truck cannot be careless, and I tightened up the description of the cargo, and how the whole plot is set up, much more concisely and clearly- and re-worded the portion about the 'random accident'- And you are right- beautiful is a meaningless adjective in the context of this query (describing Jessica as such).
Cecilia- thanks for your comments- you are correct on my mixing of tenses- I cleaned this up on 4th revision- and also cleaned it up to make it more clear about the "illicit shipment"-
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