Click here to read the original query.
Click here to read the first revision.
Another new version. I'm not sure if I should base future revisions off of this style or the previous matter-of-fact plot description. Is this one more exciting to read?
Dear Agent,
Everyone obeys the World Book. Everyone in the Kingdoms of the Land, Air, and Sea. If you don’t, you get thrown to the magistrate. And if you break the High Laws, you’re killed. Seth doesn’t mind, for the most part. As long as you follow the rules you stay safe and well fed with your family. It’s hard to miss freedom when you’ve never had it.
Kinessa doesn’t think so. She’s brave, rebellious, and angry with the World Book – everything Seth is not. She shows up in Seth’s backyard, claiming to have amnesia, but Seth is pretty sure she’s lying. Eventually, though, Kinessa’s crazy ideas about the World Book get him thinking. Why can’t he explore the woods and visit the beach? Why does he have to accept the World Book without questions? But when Kinessa changes into a sea serpent in front of him, Seth realizes that she has a broader plan then breaking a few rules.
Kinessa says she wants to start a revolution in the King’s City. Seth is hesitant to back her plan, but he knows he can’t go back to his previous life. A few people start to listen to her ideas, but when the authorities catch up to them Seth must rely on his own intelligence and courage to save them all.
WORLD BOOK is a completed 32,000 word fantasy for middle grade readers.
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2 comments:
I love the idea of this story, but I feel like something's missing still. I think this query is certianly better than the last two, but I think we're missing something about Seth. I have a pretty clear sense of who Kinessa is (I think), but no idea about Seth.
An excersise that was once suggested to me was writing it in the first person, not to be sent that way, but just to see how your character would tell it. Let his voice come through. Then, re-write THAT query. I don't know how well it will work for you, but it was fun a excersise.
Good luck!
This is a better approach. But, two points:
1. It leaves the reader wondering why Seth, who sounds rather passive, is the main character, instead of Kinessa.
2. Both here and on another blog, several people advised you to change the name "World Book". Since you've agreed that's a good idea, but not done it, I'm wondering if you're putting as much effort into this as you could.
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