May 28, 2011

Query People of Fae

Dear Future Agent,

 Accidentally being left behind on a biology class field trip in the woods, seventeen year old Lyssa Cleverthorn is almost abducted by a lizard like creature and a woman that looked like she walked off a fashion show runway, this could have been the result of hitting her head too hard, a figment of her imagination or a link to her puzzled past.  Always feeling out of step with others her age, Lyssa never thought her social abnormalities were spell induced. Even when tall, dark, emerald green eyed Toby abandons his hot girlfriend, leaves her to think she is the center of some elaborate joke.  It isn't until Lyssa receives an unexpected message from Zoey her dad's ex-girlfriend who suddenly left, wants something from Lyssa.  Unknowingly, Lyssa is used by Zoey as a vessel for hiding a legendary magic called Everspell that has grown tendrils into her and removing it would mean death.  Not only having Toby interested in her, she has also gained the interest of the power hungry, mafia like Muse brothers that are part of a hidden world called Fae.  Lyssa is a wild card, and before Zoey can reach her, the cat and mouse game has begun.  Within twenty four hours Lyssa is thrown into the Fae world after her father disappears and attacked herself by one of the Muse's henchmen.  Everything unravels and secrets are revealed from long time family friends about Lyssa's connection with the Fae world now on the brink of destruction or revolution.  Even Toby's infatuation was only a spell to trick him to protect her, now has secrets of his own that leaves Lyssa doubting her feelings.  With the power to change what is wrong, Lyssa must decide in sacrificing herself to a world she never knew existed or let it die.  The Everspell now tangled with her should have killed her that is until she discovered who she really is.

People of Fae(104,000 words) is an urban fantasy sparking interest of teenage girls and possibly cross marketing into older YA categories.  I truly enjoy YA and hope you will consider my project and thank you for your time.

                                                                       Sincerely,

                                                                       MM Winke

5 comments:

Princess L said...

First of all, this sounds like a great story. The query is a little wordy and has some run-on sentences that make it hard to follow, so my suggestions are basically ways to tighten the writing:

When seventeen-year-old Lyssa Cleverthorn is left behind on a school field trip, she finds herself chased through the woods by a lizard-like creature and a woman who looks like a runway model. She's not sure if she hit her head too hard (WHEN DID SHE HIT HER HEAD? WAS THAT WHY SHE MISSED THE BUS BACK TO SCHOOL? YOU MAY WANT TO WORK THAT IN THE 1ST SENTENCE)or if it has something to do with her secret past. She's never felt like she fit in with the other kids in XX(NAME OF TOWN), even when swoony, emerald-eyed Toby asks her out.

When her father's ex-girfriend Zoey leaves her a strange message, she discovers why. Zoey is a faerie who's using Lyssa as a vessel to hide a legendary magic called Everspell. The powers live inside Lyssa in tendrils, and removing them would cause her death. Lyssa learns that she, too, is part of this hidden kingdom called Fae. Soon after, Lyssa's father disappears and she finds herself pursued by the power-hungry Muse brothers, a mafia-like family fighting to rule Fae.

Doubting everything she was ever told, even Toby's feelings for her, Lyssa must decide between sacrificing herself and using Everspell to help the Fae, or letting it perish.

Please consider People of Fae, a104,000 words YA urban fantasy.

Thank you,

Hope this helps,
Lynn

Anonymous said...

Sorry, I can't read this. And no agent will either.

You need paragraphs. White space.

Stacy McKitrick said...

I agree with what Anonymous said. Not enough white space.

It's also very wordy (the first sentence alone is over 60 words long). What I'm afraid of is that this is a reflection of how your book is written (not that that is always the case - I know how hard queries are to write). If it is, you are not ready to query. If it isn't, then you need to look at tightening up this query. And make it easier to read.

A good practice is to e-mail the query to yourself and see how it looks. If you get a big block of text, then you need to look at breaking it up into smaller paragraphs.

Good luck!

Anonymous Author said...

People are being kind, and that is good. However...

Look. There's a problem here. It's not just that your first sentence is long. It also contains four or five errors. The second sentence only contains one error. The third sentence is not a sentence at all. Neither is the fourth sentence.

If writing is something you're really serious about, take a class. If writing is not something you're really serious about, seek some other creative outlet.

glj said...

I don't know how many words this is, but seems way too long.

Accidentally being left behind on a biology class field trip in the woods, seventeen year old Lyssa Cleverthorn is almost abducted by a lizard like creature and a woman that looked like she walked off a fashion show runway, this could have been the result of hitting her head too hard, a figment of her imagination or a link to her puzzled past.

This "sentence" is really overweight. And if she is "almost abducted" by a creature, then what is the point of including it in the query? Why does it matter that she is left behind on a field trip? Why is it important that the woman looks like she walked off a fashion show runway? How can we tell who you mean by "her"??

This includes info that isn't important. And it includes little info on the overall conflict. Yes, she is competing for dreamy boy, but the magic is the real conflict.

This could be summarized as:
- Girl has weird things happen to her,
- Dreamy boy falls for her,
- Girl finds out she has magic, and
- End of the world could happen, and Girl's magic appears to be central to it somehow.

This doesn't hint at anything new and exciting. Your query needs to stand out somehow.