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Dear ____,
Who would have known something so simple as digging for dragon eggs on the shore would change his life forever? Had Rune Greyhawk not been there that day, perhaps his father would still be alive and New Athens saved from war—perhaps he would have never become a lover to a queen and an adversary to a god.
Fifteen-year old Rune was born a prince, but as the second son with no military experience or national clout, his station was a powerless one. Not to mention is penchant for delinquency. Because of this, his father, the Prefect of Greyhawk, would be sending him to study abroad in the country of Marina as a musician's apprentice.
Little could he know of the more ominous reasons behind his relocation. Whether by fate or fortune, Rune has been thrust into the thousand-year old mystery of the Arke of Aerimore, a sacred coffer filled with the long lost magi-ka of heaven that is prophesied will reopen. Now, in a time where men have taken over the domain of gods and tamed the wildest of dragons, Rune must carry the secret of his destiny to the land of his enemy and, with the aid of his companions, stop the prophecy from being fulfilled—before the rekindled flame of Aerimore destroys the world.
This is the story of man’s final stand against man—his final stand against gods.
THE BALLAD OF THE MOON is a complete, epic fantasy novel at 141,000 words; a modern bildungsroman for a new generation, somewhere between the tone of Anne McCaffrey, J.R.R. Tolkien, and Ursula Le Guin.
I have an A.A. in English, Liberal Arts, and Comparative Literature. I hold a B.A. from UC Davis in English with an emphasis in Creative Writing. I am currently pursuing my M.F.A. in English Literature at the UCA. On my days off, I dig for dragon eggs on the coast.
Thank you for your consideration and your time. If you are interested in reading the text, I would be more than happy to provide it.
Sincerely,
XXX
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21 comments:
Anne McCaffrey, J.R.R. Tolkien, and Ursula Le Guin are some of the biggest names in high fantasy. If you're going to use comparisons, find current market books (ideally by midlist authors) to compare, not writers who have won multiple awards and broke bestseller lists.
You're setting yourself an almost impossible standard when you say you're tone is similar to these renowned people.
Best of luck!
*Your, not you're... good grief it's too early.
I agree with Stephanie. Not only have you chosen big names, but names whose writing style is a tad out of date. Publishers are looking for the next big thing, not the last big thing.
Since you haven't taken my previous advice, I won't bother repeating it, but you have an "is" for "his".
*fixed*
considering this for the hook instead: "Had Rune Greyhawk not been digging for dragon eggs on the shore that day, perhaps his father would still be alive and New Athens saved from war—perhaps he would have never become a lover to a queen and an adversary to a god."
(do you like this better, anonymous?)
Melanie, I like it better, but don't get too attached to the idea of a "hook". Hooks get talked about a lot on writing sites, but they're strictly optional for queries. Heck, I've now sold eight books without a single hook. (In a query. Hooks are for books.)
What's important is that we get a sense of your story. You're still not giving us a clear sense of what's going on, though this is clearer than the last. The language gets in the way. Did you try the one-sentence summary exercise?
I agree that there's something still missing... I did boil it down to one sentence but I don't feel it's very informative. Probably user error/insufficient sentence.
The problem I'm having with plot summary is the narrow margin between "evocative" and "too revealing." Because I have chosen the main protagonist to showcase, I cannot go much more into details without spoilers. I would like to bring in the parallel arc/characters but don't know how to manage this in a tidy sentence or two. :/
Sorry to be so... lost. I know it's just a matter of hitting the right combination of info and tone. I really appreciate all the advice/patience
Well, here's what I get from it:
Prince Rune hunts for dragon eggs while waiting to start his music apprenticeship, but something goes wrong, his father dies, and he ends up in Marina. An ancient coffer is involved in some way.
Still not answered: What's he got to do? What stands in his way? What does he have to do to overcome that?
(I'd be inclined to say leave out all refs to Destiny, because that sort of thing robs your character of agency. But though I've sold fantasy, I don't know anything about epic fantasy. I assume you've researched that market-- in its current state-- thoroughly, including what's selling now and which agents are repping it.)
Overall, this has a decent tone. But it seems to lack the main conflict. You tell us that Rune is a prince who causes (or gets into) trouble, but your query discusses the conflict in far-off and vague terms, more of a summary or theme paragraph of what the book is about.
Instead of phrasing it as “Rune is thrust into … Rune must carry …”, which are written as historical accounts of events that happened in the past, try to write the query as if Rune is experiencing events RIGHT NOW. It will be more compelling to the reader if he or she reads it as “something dramatic is about to happen” instead of “something dramatic already happened, and the book will tell you about it.”
Who would have known something so simple as digging for dragon eggs on the shore would change his life forever? Had Rune Greyhawk not been there that day, perhaps his father would still be alive and New Athens saved from war—perhaps he would have never become a lover to a queen and an adversary to a god.
Fifteen-year old Rune was born a prince, but as the second son with no military experience or national clout, his station was a powerless one. Not to mention is penchant for delinquency. Because of this, his father, the Prefect of Greyhawk, would be sending him to study abroad in the country of Marina as a musician's apprentice.
[The “with no military experience or national clout” seems unnecessary. All this needs to say is “as the second son, his station was a powerless one.”]
[The “delinquency” seems to be central to your story, but could be stronger. I assume that he is habitually delinquent from official duties, and not just his studies?]
[In the last sentence, “as a musician’s apprentice” doesn’t seem important enough to include.]
Little could he know of the more ominous reasons behind his relocation. Whether by fate or fortune, Rune has been thrust into the thousand-year old mystery of the Arke of Aerimore, a sacred coffer filled with the long lost magi-ka of heaven that is prophesied will reopen. Now, in a time where men have taken over the domain of gods and tamed the wildest of dragons, Rune must carry the secret of his destiny to the land of his enemy and, with the aid of his companions, stop the prophecy from being fulfilled—before the rekindled flame of Aerimore destroys the world.
[Here is where I think the query really slips into dry language. Starting with “Rune has been thrust …” Show this instead, and it will be much more compelling. This is just an example off the top of my head, but maybe: “Rune is a prince, but is the second son and therefore is merely waiting in case his older brother fails to ascend the throne. His father, the _, is concerned because of Rune’s habitual delinquency from official duties. So his father sends him abroad to study in the country of Marina. But once there, Rune stumbles into a plot to __. In order to prevent __ (catastrophe), Rune must ___ (heroic action). But if he does, then __ (unpleasant consequence).]
This is the story of man’s final stand against man—his final stand against gods.
THE BALLAD OF THE MOON is a complete, epic fantasy novel at 141,000 words; a modern bildungsroman for a new generation, somewhere between the tone of Anne McCaffrey, J.R.R. Tolkien, and Ursula Le Guin.
[I agree that comparing yourself to such lofty names may not help you as much as you might think.]
[The word count is much too high. The common upper limit I’ve heard for first-time fantasy authors is 120k. The word count alone may kill your chances.]
yes, yes, super advice you guys.
hopefully, this is getting it one step closer...(?)
Had Rune Greyhawk not been digging for dragon eggs on the shore that day, perhaps his father would still be alive and New Athens saved—perhaps he would have never become a lover to a queen and an adversary to a god.
Fifteen-year old Rune was born a prince, but as the second son with no experience or clout, his station was a powerless one. Not to mention his penchant for delinquency. Because of this his father, the Prefect of Greyhawk, would be sending him to study abroad in the country of Marina. But lately he's been having a lot of strange dreams—and after meeting Eyris Gildon, a cadet in the National Army with an unexpected ability to talk with dragons, he is starting to wonder if there is a more ominous reason behind his relocation.
Whether by fate or fortune, Rune is somehow tied to the thousand-year old mystery of the Arke of Aerimore and the lost magi-ka of heaven that prophets say will be released again. Now, in a time when men have taken over the domain of gods and tamed the wildest of dragons as beasts of war, he is finding out that the world is not as it seems. And with the threat of war on the horizon, Rune must find a way to stop the prophecy from happening in order to save his people. Together, with the aid of his companions in Marina and New Athens, Rune will have to uncover the mystery and just what it is that connects him to it-—before the rekindled flame of Aerimore destroys the world.
Much better. We now have a sense of what's at stake and what Rune can do about it.
Since his father died in paragraph one, the "would" tense in paragraph two is a bit off. And you've still got some pretty vague stuff. The word "somehow" is always a red flag for vagueness. Ditto "the world is not as it seems"-- that's just an everyday fact.
And I won't bother repeating myself about generic "men". Presumably you're planning on querying only agents who will be down with it.
(Here's hoping you get requests from both of 'em :p.)
oops, I meant to replace with "human"; makes more sense contextually.
Better.
The second paragraph says "would be sending him abroad ...", but to me it feels as if this doesn't happen. Maybe "had planned"? And if it did happen, why phrase it so speculatively? Or in future tense?
The third paragraph is better, but still has an abundance of vague, fluffy language.
Whether by fate or fortune, Rune is somehow tied to the thousand-year old mystery of the Arke of Aerimore and the lost magi-ka of heaven that prophets say will be released again. [This would be more compelling if you included actual detail. This is just a passing hint, telling the reader that there will be a connection, but we’ll have to read the book to get it. But you need to detail it here in order to pull the reader in. This could be a major point of interest in your query.] Now, in a time when men have taken over the domain of gods and tamed the wildest of dragons as beasts of war, he is finding out that the world is not as it seems. [“Not what it seems” is fuzzy, pointless language that tells nothing. Instead of telling us an interesting point, you are merely telling us there will be an interesting point in the book. But that doesn’t create interest.] And with the threat of war on the horizon, Rune must find a way to stop the prophecy from happening in order to save his people. [Here is where you need STAKES. What must Rune risk? And what are the consequences of Rune not acting (or failing)?? This impossible choice is the heart of almost every work of fiction!] Together, with the aid of his companions in Marina and New Athens, Rune will have to uncover the mystery and just what it is that connects him to it-—before the rekindled flame of Aerimore destroys the world. [Again, this is all fluffy language that is intended to sound mysterious, but conveys no sense of the plot. It feels as if you don’t want to do the hard work of boiling down your plot to the basic conflict points. But you need to do that. You need to show the reader how and why your book is different from millions of other out there and why the reader should want to read it. You MUST make the conflict/choice so compelling that the reader has to read more. Instead, I get the sense that you are afraid that you shouldn’t reveal the main conflict. Not true. In a query, showing the conflict/choice is essential. You don’t reveal the RESOLUTION of the conflict/choice, however. An important distinction.]
Instead, I get the sense that you are afraid that you shouldn’t reveal the main conflict. Not true. In a query, showing the conflict/choice is essential. You don’t reveal the RESOLUTION of the conflict/choice, however.
Exactly.
Have you read a bunch of other people's queries? I'd strongly recommend spending some time at the archives of the MissSnark site, and queryshark and evileditor. Read as many as you can stand in one fell swoop, and then go back the next day and read as many more, until you've read at least a hundred, preferably more like 200.
The tone of this query is very distant and academic (which makes sense, given your academic credentials, which should be axed from the query; they're not helping). That distant, academic feel of the query is the exact opposite of what you should be striving for. Look at the first paragraph, in particular, which is all theory, the sort of thing that English professors love, but that is worthless for getting anyone interested in a story. It's too vague and generic.
Start with a person, one who will feel real. Not a theoretical construct. The protagonist doesn't know he's in a story; he's a real person with a real problem, doing something interesting about it. SHOW us that he's real and worth caring about.
I would recommend doing a new version, from scratch. You can always go back to this one, if you decide to, but a fresh start is probably the only way you'll be able to maintain a more personal, more immediate feel throughout the whole thing.
Focus on the protagonist, what he wants, what he's doing about it and who's getting in his way. From his viewpoint, not some distant theoretical view. Lose the academic part of your brain, and just tell a story.
As an addendum, to explain what I mean about the difference between distant and intimate, using the text of the most recent version, would the protagonist really be thinking this:
"Fifteen-year old Rune was born a prince, but as the second son with no experience or clout, his station was a powerless one."
Or is he thinking: "It's so not fair that I don't get to play with dragons. Everyone else does."
Is he thinking: "[he has a] penchant for delinquency" or is he thinking, "stupid teachers, expecting me to read books when I could be playing with dragons."
Is he thinking: "[I] wonder if there is a more ominous reason behind [my] relocation." Or is he thinking: "OMG, if I leave home, I'm gonna DIE!!!!!!"
Now, maybe there are some protagonist boys who think the former, but if that's what you're aiming for, you'll need to convince the reader you've got a precocious goodie-two-shoes as a protagonist, and that we'll still enjoy spending time with him. I doubt that's really your protagonist, but until you get up close and personal about him, I can't tell why I should care about the protagonist. And that's what story is all about, when you're out of the tower and down in the trenches.
lol, that was so funny! :) Thanks for that. Really helpful/informative stuff. I haven't read nearly enough, and will continue to do that.
In the meantime, I took your advice and just (really quickly) drafted a new one to see how I liked it. I don't think it's wholly separate from the "academic" tone you mentioned--which is like surgery, so it's going to take some time--but it's definitely different.
What do you think?
There was nothing special about the day Rune Greyhawk dug for dragon eggs on the shore, same as the countless times before. It was illegal to be there, he knew, but it didn't really matter. He was a prince. A second-born prince with no power, but the prince just the same.
But then he met Eyris Gildon and all things changed. The dreams began, the conflict between Edome and New Athens only grew, and now his father means to send him to Marina, a country overseas, to study in the Kingdom of Stone Realm.
But once he's there, matters only get worse; he's come down with a debilitating illness that no one can diagnose or explain, he's in love with a girl he cannot have, and the Emperor of Edome has somehow managed to convince most of the Marinaian nations to join his plot to destroy Rune's home.
Now, in order to find a way to save his country, Rune will have to solve the mystery behind the Arke of Aerimore and his connection to it, or risk losing everything.
That's better, though still very rough.
There was nothing special about the day Rune Greyhawk dug for dragon eggs on the shore, same as the countless times before. It was illegal to be there, he knew, but it didn't really matter. He was a prince. A second-born prince with no power, but the prince just the same.
Do you see where this is a bit repetitive? You tell us twice there's nothing special about the day. You tell us three times that he's a prince. And-- this is the most important thing-- you imply that nothing happened. Why start where nothing happened?
Cut to the chase. If he was suddenly attacked by a wyvern who was also a 10th Level Magic User, say so.
But if this is unconnected to the great challenge facing him (and it appears to be AFAICT) then don't start here.
Whoa, what'd I miss? ;-)
I'm going to have to disagree a bit here -- I think the revision marked at September 28, 2011 12:29 PM works fine (other than the 'men' bit... though if the society in the novel is patriarchal, I don't see a problem with it).
The revision posted further down is a big step backward, in my opinion. For me, the conflict was already evident.
I'm feeling a bit cynical about this, though, since I get the feeling this fantasy genre is going the way of the whole Harlequin romance line. At this point, everything's pretty much coded in, right? The conflicts are always the same, so why sweat it?
I suggest stepping back for a few days, then making a final revision/tightening of the "September 28, 2011 12:29 PM" query.
If the conflict is evident, what is it?
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