Sep 5, 2011

Query- Legend of the Freaks- The F.R.E.A.K.s

On November 15, 2003 every single person on earth fell into a coma, all but Ally Medvec, three other teens, and hideous creatures that were roaming the streets set on killing them.

Running and hiding were the only things Ally and the others could do at first. But by luck they captured Tod, a poor teenaged creature in the wrong place. Terrified of the teens he spilled information that would cost him his life. The most important being the reason Ally and the others were being hunted. He only knew a word - F.R.E.A.K.s. The mysterious title he knew nothing of but was taught to fear.

Special title or not, Ally wanted to run and cower, and that’s what they did, even taking Tod with them, but they quickly learned they could run but they couldn’t hide for long. Starved, exhausted and clinging onto life, Ally finds everyone is looking at her for a way to escape the mayhem. Unwillingly thrown into the role of the leader, and overwhelmed with the fear of losing everyone she has ever known, drives her to think of the insane. To fight back! Because if they’re going to die, why not go out with a bang.

Through impossible odds Ally now leads the others through hell and back as they find out what they truly are and how to save the humans. But nothing in this nightmare is truly what it seems. Ally must figure the way through a web of lies and deception if they want to keep their lives, and save the human race, before it’s too late.

Legend of the Freaks- The F.R.E.A.K.s is a YA Urban Fantasy at 117,000 words with series potential.

12 comments:

yankinfrance said...

This one was clearly written too quickly -- talk about pronoun confusion!

Still, there's the hint of an interesting story behind this.

I'd be wary of packing this with so many sentences that begin with dependent clauses -- these tend to suck the energy right out of a paragraph. One or two, properly dosed, will suffice.

All in all, the writing is woefully sloppy but does at least convey a nice energy. Keep the energy and get your writing under control.

The title's a bit clunky too. Why repeat "Freaks?" Why can't it be "Legend of the F.R.E.A.K.S" ? (And "F.R.E.A.K.s" is not a word, you know, it's an acronym.)

Anonymous said...

This reads like a back cover blurb to end all others. It includes every single cliche one can find on back covers. Was author's intention to make us laugh? Seriously, though, a query letter should never resemble a back cover blurb of a best-seller or a five star book review. my advice: google "query shark" and "miss snark" and start from there.

Ally said...

Thanks guys! Yeah query letters and me don't get along very well... same with me and grammar. lol.

Just wanted to clear up the confusion with the title. It actually is a series. The Legend of the Freaks is the title of the series "The F.R.E.A.K.s" is the first book.

I know your not suppose to write the other books before you get the first one sold, but i was taught that lesson too late!

Thanks again for the comments!

Anonymous Author said...

Ally, first of all... wait, your protagonist's name is also your name? Change whichever one is easier to change. That would probably be the protag's.

Now, YIF is right. This writing is very sloppy. The first sentence contradicts itself. I cannot tell who Tod is or what happens to him: you seem to suggest he dies in paragraph 2, but then he's still there in paragraph 3.

Then the 4th graf--


Through impossible odds Ally now leads the others through hell and back as they find out what they truly are and how to save the humans. But nothing in this nightmare is truly what it seems. Ally must figure the way through a web of lies and deception if they want to keep their lives, and save the human race, before it’s too late.


That's seven cliches in three sentences, but that's not the real problem. The real problem is you're not telling us what actually happens.

Boil the whole story down to one sentence, under 20 words in length. Build the query upward from there.

Anonymous Author said...

PS-- Leave out the title of the series. You're not selling the series, you're selling one book.

yankinfrance said...

I find it pretty offensive when a writer cheerfully admits they don't know how to write.

I realize that 75 percent of the book market is dominated by 'writers' who don't know how to write, but still, it's discouraging to see that this has become a source of pride.

Anonymous Author said...

I'm not sure why you find that offensive. She said she didn't know much about grammar. I didn't take that as pride, just typical American anti-intellectualism. As for not knowing much about writing query letters, hell, neither do I.

Rick Daley said...

There are two things behind a book: the technical elements of the writing, and the story.

You can have the most perfect grammar and syntax ever composed, but if you have a really bad story, you still have a bad book. On the other hand, many books with writing that has been deemed as sub-par have had stories that enthralled a great many people.

The balance between those elements (i.e. writing quality and story) is a personal preference.

In my own humble opinion.

Ally said...

Hi i never said i couldnt write. In fact this is one of my 10 books I've written. Naturally none of them are published but this is why i'm on the site trying to get that process underway.

I just said i'm bad at grammar. I in no way take pride in that fact, the truth of that matter is i have a sever learning disability that hinders me extremely with spelling, grammar, reading, and math.

Anonymous Author said...

Rick, I'm inclined to agree.

I don't like how most of what's out there is written, but that's only because I've taught myself to be hypercritical of my own work. The stuff is obviously pleasing to a lot of people. That's legitimate.

Plus it provides publishers with the dollars that an awful lot of midlisters are paid with.

Anonymous said...

Wow. Some of you should go into politics, then you could snark one another to death and we would all be the happier. She was obviously just trying to be polite.

Ally, you need a better hook in your query. What I find easiest is to write the hook and build the query from there. You also need to show more in your query and ramble less.

Good Luck!

Anonymous Author said...

It's a lot more helpful to come up with a sentence that summarizes the story than to come up with a "hook". Most of the hooks I've seen people come up with for their stories are misleading. (The query before this one is a perfect example of this.)

The 20-word sentence exercise forces the writer to separate the essential from the inessential. Writing a hook does not.