Dec 31, 2011

QUERY- HIS MUSE

Dear [Editor],

Acquiring the work of Jonah Struik is Coralie Boisson's big chance to prove to the other art dealers at Boisson & Cie. that she is just as good at the job as any man, if not better. But more than that, Coralie can't wait to help her former lover's biggest rival steal the spotlight of the Parisian art world.

When Jonah finds out that Denis Boisson has sent his daughter to broker a deal, he knows that the meeting must be a joke. But there is a familiarity about Coralie that keeps Jonah from walking out. He senses he knows her, but how?

Can the two begin to trust each other with their sordid pasts or will it end up another lonely night in Arles for the both of them?

His Muse is a historical romance novella complete at 12,000 words. Thank you for your consideration.

Sincerely,
[Redacted]
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5 comments:

gj said...

You're trying to pack too much into each sentence. Look at this one, in particular, which is confusing to anyone who hasn't already read the book:

"Coralie can't wait to help her former lover's biggest rival steal the spotlight of the Parisian art world."

Okay, so who is her former lover? On first reading, I thought it was Jonah, so I was totally confused when he didn't know who she was. Eventually, I parsed it out, and realized Jonah is apparently the rival of Coralie's ex, and apparently Coralie's ex did something rotten, which is why she wants to hurt him, but I don't know what he did, so I can't tell if she's being reasonable in wanting to hurt him, or if she's just a jerk, angry because he broke up with her. And even now, I don't understand how Jonah doesn't recognize her if she was at the side of his biggest rival for weeks/months/years. Or why that even matters.

Similarly, your first sentence is so jam-packed that I got lost. I don't know who Jonah is in the first sentence, don't know if he's a real artist or a character, don't know if he's the main character or the woman is.

Simplify, with one image/concept per sentence: Coralie is an art broker whose skills have always been underestimated, because everyone thinks she got her job through nepotism. Determined to change that reputation, she sets out to broker a deal with the hottest new artist on the scene, Jonah. As a side benefit, she'll make Jonah a bigger deal in the art world than her cheating ex-lover.

And then go into the problem with the relationship. Be specific and clear about it. Aim for something unique to them, not cliche (trusting each other) or generic (sordid pasts; sordid pasts are great, but only if you tell the reader what, exactly, that sordid past is, and how it affects the h/h's relationship NOW).

December 31, 2011 at 12:27 PM
Anonymous said...

Different pubs have different submission requirements, but something this short usually doesn't rate a query letter. Slap a brief cover letter on it and send the whole thing in.

If you do need a full-blown query, gj's comments are spot on.

December 31, 2011 at 9:10 PM
Anonymous said...

Is there really much of a difference between a query and a cover letter?

December 31, 2011 at 9:39 PM
gj said...

A cover letter is much shorter. It's the elevator pitch (one short sentence identifying protagonist, goal, antagonist and stakes), plus possibly a one-sentence bio if there's anything really relevant to the story, and "enclosed is the requested/standard number of pages." No extended description of the story.

January 1, 2012 at 12:23 PM
Anonymous Author said...

Avoid ever renaming characters in a query letter. In this case, I'm pretty sure "Coralie Boisson" is the same person as Denis Boisson's daughter, and the later use of "Coralie" confirms it, but it's unnecessarily confusing. Denis doesn't belong in the query at all.

Try to reduce the number of names, especially in the first paragraph.

Can the two begin to trust each other with their sordid pasts or will it end up another lonely night in Arles for the both of them?

This question doesn't work because the answer is obvious. It's a romance, right?

January 1, 2012 at 1:30 PM

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