Mar 31, 2009

Revision 2 - BROKEN

Click here to read the original query.
Click here to read the first revision.
Click here to read the third revision.

Dear [agent],

Psychologist Alec Sumner is standing on a busy London street, holding his friend Mirabell’s emerald green purse, and thinking about his last failed love affair when he sees Eli Burke take down a mugger with his cane. Alec is intrigued.

Thanks to the mechanizations of Ilsa, a former classmate and the owner of a house with a room for rent, he soon finds himself living with the handsome young man and races past intrigued to falling hard. Great, right? Wrong. Ilsa wants Alec to use his expertise and help Eli come to terms with seeing his lover murdered and nearly dying himself – all without Eli knowing what he's up to, of course.

Though he doesn’t buy into covert therapy, Alec struggles to find a way to help Eli heal without destroying his own romantic hopes for the two of them.

BROKEN is a 63,000 word work of gay fiction that reminds us that no matter what scars a person may carry, there are people out there who will support you through the pain, guide you past the fear, and love you back to life ... if you’re willing to live.

Thank you for your time and consideration.



Marilynn Byerly said...

The word you want is machinations, not mechanizations.

You seem to have an interesting idea for a novel, but you've buried it under extraneous detail.

If this is primarily a romance, you need to show both sides of the equation by telling us more about what makes Eli tick.

If it's more about a community of friends, you need to give some sense of them, as well.

I have an article on writing book blurbs which might be of use. I can't give a direct link here, but go to marilynnbyerly dot com and click on the short stories and articles icon or use the search engine at the top using "blurb" as your search term.

Dawn said...

Thank you for the heads up about mechanizations. I was iffy about it, but didn't change it until after I'd submitted here. I actually changed it to read simply: Thanks to Ilsa, blah blah blah.
I'll be sure to check your article.

splatter said...

that first sentence stretches on a bit. First off, I don't think (in the query at least) that it's important he's holding his friend's purse... I'd cut that. If you can make that first sentence pop, I think it will help a whole lot.