Mar 30, 2009

Revision 3--Larkin Shift and the Hall of Two Truths

Click here to read the original query.
Click here to read the first revision.
Click here to read the second revision.

An unknowing descendant of the WenWet priestesses, Larkin Shift doesn’t want to be different. She doesn’t want to develop her magical powers, but they have a mind of their own and her 8th grade teacher, Mr. Amurat, the one person that can help her, has been lured to the Egyptian underworld. He is a pawn in Principal Reameny’s plan to overtake Ra, the sun god, plunging Earth into darkness and chaos and it’s up to Larkin and her three friends to get him back safely.

The rescue mission begins with an unexpected consequence—Benny’s death—and though Ra’s light temporarily revives him, there is only hours until his condition becomes permanent.

Hindered by an ever-changing landscape with destructive mythical inhabitants and guided by an untrustworthy shape-shifting cat, Larkin must develop her powers to defeat the evil Principal Reameny, get Benny home alive, and overcome an unexpected betrayal—all before the next sunrise.

Larkin Shift and The Hall of Two Truths is a 45,000 word middle grade novel and is the first in a planned series.

This will be my final revision because I don't want to hog valuable space. Thanks to all who have helped me fine-tune and I wish everyone a lot of success!

Thoughts?

BFrischCPC@nycap.rr.com

4 comments:

lucy in the sky said...

This one provides a lot of the info that seemed to be missing before. In the first line,if WenWet is the same as Egyptian, you might say Egyptian priestesses instead.

I like the untrustworthy shape-shifting cat!

Belinda Frisch said...

Thanks, Lucy, for everything!

Actually, the WenWet are their own thing--though they were Egyptians.

It's a fine line and I like the specificity. It also keeps me from over-using the word Egyptian.

Now if only I could find an agent...

Mira said...

Hi, I didn't get a chance to review your last one, but I like this much better. I also really like the detail of an untrustworthy shape-shifting cat, and the changable landscape.

One change I might suggest is in the second paragraph. The reader doesn't know who Benny is - you might just say 'one of her friends.' Also, your sentences are a tiny bit on the long side. You might try breaking that one into a couple of sentences, for example. Also, you might punch it up, alittle:

At the start of the mission, something goes terribly wrong. Larkin's friend Benny dies. Though Ra's light revives him, they only have hours to keep him alive.

You might punch up some other things a bit: rather than 'destructive mythical inhabitants' try 'dangerous mythical creatures.' Well, something like that.

Other than that, the 3rd paragraph works.

The story sounds really interesting. You've peaked my interest in the book - good luck!

Belinda Frisch said...

So, here's where I landed...

An unknowing descendant of the WenWet priestesses, Larkin Shift doesn’t want to be different. She doesn’t want to develop her magical powers, but they have a mind of their own and her 8th grade teacher, Mr. Amurat, the one person that can help her, has been lured to the Egyptian underworld. He is a pawn in Principal Reameny’s plan to overtake Ra, the sun god and to plunge Earth into darkness and chaos unless Larkin and her friends can stop him.

The rescue mission begins with an unexpected consequence—Benny, Larkin’s friend’s, death—and when Ra’s light temporarily revives him, there is only hours until his condition becomes permanent.

Hindered by an ever-changing landscape with dangerous mythical creatures and guided by an untrustworthy shape-shifting cat, Larkin must develop her powers to defeat the evil Principal Reameny, get Benny home alive, and overcome an unexpected betrayal—before the next sunrise.

Larkin Shift and The Hall of Two Truths is a 45,000 word middle grade novel and is the first in a planned series.