Click here to read the original query.
Click here to read the second revision.
Dear (Agent Name),
An Ancient Evil has arisen, but a Cryptic Prophecy speaks of a Young Boy who will wield a Mystic Sword and defeat it. Gilbert Gaberlunzie has seen this tired old plot play out more times than he can count. Gilbert works at Quest Support, a call center that provides assistance to Heroes, Villains, and anyone else involved in Quests. Even though he’s sure he’d make a better adventurer than any of the idiots who call him, Gilbert is satisfied where he is. He loves…well, tolerates his job, and wants nothing more than to sit in his cubicle and drink coffee.
Things don’t work out quite that way. When Gilbert accidentally gets an extra-stupid Hero killed during the Final Battle with the Dark Lord, he puts the whole world in peril and loses his job to boot. Since his knowledge of fantasy clichés isn’t good for much else, Gilbert decides to defeat the Dark Lord himself and set things right. After doing interviews for party members and appropriating some malfunctioning magical artifacts from his ex-employer, Gilbert sets off on a journey down the well-trodden paths of fantasydom. His feet may hurt and he may be hopeless with a sword, but Gilbert is sure he’s ready for anything the genre throws at him, whether it’s elves, goblins, an oracle, or those giant spiders that always live in caves. But can he handle the inevitable Plot Twist?
QUEST SUPPORT is complete at 94,000 words. It is a lighthearted fantasy that pokes some good-natured fun at the genre’s clichés and refuses to take itself seriously. It will appeal to readers looking for a quirky spin on a familiar formula, or anyone who’s ever wondered when Heroes wash their socks.
Thank you for your consideration,
Paul
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5 comments:
The first line needs to be rewritten - as it is, the Young Boy is defeating the Mystic Sword, and I don't think that's what you mean.
The last paragraph over-explains. It's already evident that it's quirky and doesn't take itself seriously. Just keep the line with the word count and genre, then put your bio (if you have one) below that.
However, those are minor gripes. I LOVE THIS. I'd buy it in a heartbeat. It sounds fun and original. This is one of the strongest queries I've seen posted on here.
Another fan here. I love the voice, love the irony, love the line about the socks in particular.
Suggestions: perhaps I'm just dense, but surely someone before has managed to kill an extra-stupid Hero without imperilling the world. What makes this time different? Also, I agree about the need to trim the last paragraph. Just keep the socks line.
I think just a little pruning will really make this query shine. The story sounds fun and original, and I think it would definately be something that I would read.
Good luck!
I agree that the first line needs to be rewritten and the last paragraph needs to be trimmed somewhat.
I loved the voice. I'd definitely read the book. Heck, if I were an agent, I'd request the full manuscript.
This does seem a little on the wordy side, but I love this premise. I can't see you not getting representation with the right agent.
I'd tighten up things like "that provides assistance to" (should be "assists"). You could probably lose "extra-stupid." The whole sentence beginning with "After doing interviews..." could probably go.
Love the voice. I expect to see this on the shelves next fall.
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