May 11, 2009


A revision of this query has been posted. Click here to read it.
Click here to read the second revision.
Click here to read the fourth revision.

Rick Rivoire’s childhood was marred by abuse, neglect and loss. As a man, he doesn’t think much of its effect on him until the day he defends his hometown, simultaneously attacked by two enemy forces. He acts courageously, but ulterior motives dilute his apparent heroism. He is haunted by a memory from earlier that same day, of callously humiliating an innocent girl. Is he allowing his past misfortunes to drag him down into permanent bitterness, or perhaps beyond, to evil?

Determined not to disappoint the valiant swordswoman who rescued him from torture as a child, Rick resolves to remake his life. His first step is to join the army, in a new cavalry regiment just for mages: the Rainguns.

RAINGUN is an adult fantasy novel of 84,000 words. My fantasy platform includes the roles of author, editor and lead developer of many gaming supplements for the genre. These achievements were profitable, spanned several years, and received positive reviews. Moreover, my past career as journalist (and present career as an attorney) have supplied me with substantial writing experience, as well as the ever-useful thick skin.

Thank you for your valuable time!


John said...

This sounds like an interesting blend of psychology and fantasy. The first paragraph of the query, however, mostly evokes present-day, real-world images. Only "attacked by two enemy forces" stands out. So the "valiant swordsman" in the second paragraph is a little jarring. You might want to give the reader some indication up front that this is a fantasy world.

Also, to me Raingun suggests a gun that shoots rain, which brings to mind a squirt gun. Even if we assume it's a Super-Soaker, I'm not sure that's the powerful image you're looking for.

The Screaming Guppy said...

John makes most of the points I was planning to point out.

Also, the opening paragraph is so vaugue. I really don't have a grasp on anything solid through the query.

Even your closing paragraph is vaugue. If you're going to site your work, you need to use specifics (if you left them out for this public forum, remember to add them back in).

Your last sentence, however, of the final paragraph needs to be cut. Your thick skin has nothing to do with your capabilities as a writer. Also, journalism = nothing to do with writing fiction. Sounds like you have enough stuff to talk about when it comes to yourself. Use this space to give detials.

Good luck.

Jo said...

You're writing fantasy, so that needs to go up front, so the agent doesn't have to change their mindset when they hit the reference to the swordsman.

Also, I don't really see what sets this story apart from other military fantasy stories. Again, this is fantasy, and agents will allow a little more latitude and space for you to define your world. I suggest you use it.

Anonymous said...

Good points, thanks to all three of you ... I may as well try a revision now.

I wish I'd known about your writing swaps before, TSG. I like the way you describe them on your blog.

I'll try and get the fantasy element mentioned in the first paragraph, Jo, and provide a bit more exposition that was John was asking for