Click here to read the original query.
Click here to read the first revision.
Click here to read the second revision.
Click here to read the third revision.
Even while defending neighbors from ruthless musketeers and bloodthirsty pirates, mage Rick Rivoire worries that he’s slipping into evil. His brutish humiliation of an innocent girl, and his private resentment of the credit due her for her own bravery, taints Rick’s apparent heroism. His early life’s disappointments haunt him relentlessly.
Rick resolves to remake himself with a new life. To escape the old, he joins a new cavalry regiment: one just for mages. Fighting with magic astride conjured spectral mounts, these "Rainguns" shine when bad weather disables muskets and cannon. But Rick’s orders go beyond what he expects. He is tasked not only to defend his people from evil forces, but also to support emerging policies of slavery and religious persecution. Will joining the Rainguns further Rick's plans to better himself? Or thwart them?
RAINGUN is an adult fantasy novel of 84,000 words. Thank you for your valuable time!
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6 comments:
My advice is to take a few days off from working on this. :)
You've had a revision up for the last four days or so in a row. Give it a week, then work on it with fresh eyes. It'll help.
Hmm ... I have a feeling that you're right. This whole experience has been a rush, but maybe I should take a little break.
I think you are headed in the right direction. You are more concise now. But it is still lacking punch. I just needs a really good hook. Like guppy said, give it a few days before you look at it again. Me...I've been revamping mine for 8 pathetic months! It helps to give it time off every now and again.
Good luck!
Having read your original query, and then each revision--I'm impressed with its transformation. I feel like too much of a novice to offer any helpful critique, but for me, one of the lines I find most intriguing is: "His brutish humiliation of an innocent girl, and his private resentment of the credit due her for her own bravery, taints Rick’s apparent heroism." Based on that alone, I'd be inclined to give it a look, and Fantasy isn't even my preferred genre.
Looks like you're on the right track.
Best Wishes to you!
Thank you! And I must say that at this stage, I'm impressed with anyone reading all five versions put up so far --- I do appreciate everybody's time!
Actually, I found it very helpful, reading what others had to say, and how you applied it. I think what you've learned has also made the critiques you've offered very helpful.
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