Just the meat and bones this time; let's hope I'm closer. Thanks again to all who take the time to re-re-re-re-read and comment, you are all my heroes and heroines!
Click here to read the original query.
Click here to read revision 1.
Click here to read revision 2.
When the North Wind's mortal lover, Armin, is murdered by an unknown enemy, North discovers in the aftermath that there was more to Armin than she ever knew--- and a possibility that he's not quite dead.
Forbidden by the Council of the Gods to find Armin or the person responsible for sending him to the Underworld, North makes the choice to ignore eons of loyal duty and go after her heart, even though it could mean the loss of her powers and immortality. But before she can try to bring him back, she will have to wade through the mystery of his past, and the fate of the gods that lies in his hands, for Armin is the Determiner of his generation: the mortal bound to decide if the gods will stay on Earth, or go back to the Oblivion from which they came. If she fails at any of the trials before her, she just may lose him forever.
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9 comments:
I liked it. Concise with all the relevant info.
DING DING DING DING DING! We have a winner! Great job hon! And good luck querying!
Love this! Short, to the point, but you grabbed my attention too. I would definitely want to see more!
This is much much better. I think this is a viable query to send to an agent.
The only thing I'd do differently is break up the second sentence in the second paragraph. It's a bit of a run on. It may read better like this, in two sentences:
"But before she can try to bring him back, she will have to wade through the mystery of his past. The fate of the gods lies in Armin's hands, for he is the Determiner of his generation: the mortal bound to decide if the gods will stay on Earth, or go back to the Oblivion from which they came."
Good luck.
Awesome!!!
Now post it at Query Shark and see what happens.
Or, just send it out. You're ready!!
......dhole
I think you nailed it this time. Very concise, intriguing and understandable. I suggest removing the "just" from the last line,nothing more.
THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU so much everyone! Coming here and seeing all these positive comments really made me smile :) Fingers crossed... I am going to do one more round of revisions and edits to my MS and then I'll start sending this bad boy out. Thanks everyone for the help :)
Much better written and easier to understand this time around. Very intriguing query. Perhaps the second last sentence in the last para could do with a little tweaking, though, for flow and ease of assimilation. Or maybe that's just me....
Congrats!
Great job, and good luck!
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