Click here to read the original query.
Click here to read a revision.
I just wanted to say thank you for your valuable comments. I sent queries to five literary agents on Aug. 4 and have had two requests for sample chapters so far! This is what I sent:
I came across your site and was immediately intrigued with your background as an editor. With your experience on both sides of the publishing industry, I feel my novel, Killing Time on the Highway, would be in good hands.
Minnesota State Patrol investigator Cade Dawkins takes on the case of a lifetime when a bloody highway shootout leaves behind eight dead bodies—and $300 million in cash. After his last assignment, a disaster that left his partners dead and his career on life support, Cade jumps at the opportunity for redemption, recognizing this will either be his biggest case—or his final case.
As Cade gets close to uncovering the money’s owner, there’s a problem: the owner wants his money back and is willing to do whatever it takes. To slow down Cade’s investigation, a catastrophic attack using automatic weapons and a stolen Hummer is launched on the Twin Cities’ busiest highway by four of the cruelest men to ever crawl out into daylight. With Cade and the entire city reeling, audacious thief Martin Clements is planning to break into Patrol headquarters to steal the money back.
Killing Time on the Highway, my 76,000 word thriller, will appeal to fans of the Prey series by John Sandford. His novels have taught me that strong characters, tight plotting and page turning action are important ingredients to a successful thriller.
Having written professionally for the last ten years in advertising and marketing, I’ve learned the value of powerful ideas and concise execution.
Thank you for your consideration,
Allan Evans
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
4 comments:
Allan, this sounds like it will be a great book. I posted a comment before as anon. I really like the query letter and the plot. I think you can perhaps tweak the following paragraph a little to maybe make it tighter for the agents though it sounds like the agents you send to also like the plot ideas. I love the premise and the misdirection angles.
as Cade gets close to uncovering the money’s owner, there’s a problem: the owner wants his money back and is willing to do whatever it takes to stop him. Including launching a catastrophic attack on the Twin Cities’ busiest highway during rush hour. It will be a devastating attack, led by four of the cruelest men to ever crawl out into daylight.
Using automatic weapons, a hailstorm of bullets, and a stolen hummer, they create a mass panic which sends the city to verge of chaos.
Which is exactly what was planned.
Because while Cade and the entire city of Minneapolis are reeling, audacious thief Martin Clements is getting ready to break into Policel headquarters to steal back the money.
PS
I think you need a substitute for audacious...the word is acccurate, but imo it sticks out a little bit from the query...if that makes sense? maybe something like daring or master or expert....obviously your call, but it stuck out to me each time I have read it.
best of luck, R
one other quick thought...first para last line..you could eliminate case after biggest and say
either be his biggest--or his final cae.
Allan,
Congrats on getting some requests. In the end, that's all that matters.
Interesting that your personalised query (as far as addressing editor credentials) with a strong ending about your past experience got the attention that you wanted.
The whole thing read very well to me.
Congratulations!
Post a Comment