Click here to read the original query.
Click here to read the first revision.
Click here to read the second revision.
Thank you to everyone who has been posting comments. Your responses have been specific, which has been quite helpful. I’ve really struggled to balance the serious elements (a parent’s passing) with the fun side (goofy camp games and quirky songs) of the story when writing this query. I don’t want the whole novel to come across as a total downer. I’m eager to hear your response to this (final?) draft.
Dear Agent,
The other sunny idiots at YMCA Camp Powell can hold hands and Kum Ba Yah all they want. Kyle Matusik lashed back at his evil Junior Counselor and a tyrant camper. Unleashing his rage was the only way Kyle knew how to deal with the lasting torment of his father’s death. It stunk that he might get booted out, though. He was so close to talking with that gorgeous girl in his field sports class. She seemed lonely too, just like him.
A SCORPION’S NATURE follows an anguished thirteen year old who copes with death by walling himself off from the living. My 55,000 word middle grade novel, set in a quirky summer camp, grew out of twenty years as a YMCA camper, counselor, and director.
The complete manuscript is available upon your request. Thank you for considering my work.
Sincerely,
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
4 comments:
Hi there. I'm commenting without reading the earlier revisions, which I hope offers a fresh perspective.
I like the first sentence very much -- I think it shows the voice of the character. But the second sentence feels disconnected -- I wonder if maybe they need to just be joined together with a "but".
Can you get more specific (but in a few words) on how Kyle unleashed his rage? Did he punch someone? Shoot someone? Toss over someone's board of checkers? I would like a sense of how severe his reaction was. Typical teenage angst or really troubling?
I think this first paragraph might also benefit by telling us what the ongoing conflict is after Kyle's rage incident. Does he now have to spend the summer back at home? I feel like this is where the story is. Is the threat of getting kicked out motivating him to get his act in gear so he can hang around the cute girl? I can't tell enough what is going to happen in the story just yet, but I think you have a good setup.
The last two paragraphs are perfect. You weave your personal information in nicely, and that is often so hard to do!
This is definitely the best one yet.
That being said, I couldn't help but feel a disconnect between the first sentence and the rest of the first paragraph. I think you should consider making the whole paragraph in the present tense, it will flow with the "can hold hands" much better.
(ie: The other sunny idiots at YMCA Camp Powell can hold hands and Kum Ba Yah all they want. Kyle Matusik lashes back at his evil Junior Counselor and a tyrant camper. Unleashing his rage is the only way Kyle knows how to deal with the lasting torment of his father’s death. It stinks that he might get booted out, though. He is so close to talking with that gorgeous girl in his field sports class. She seems lonely too, just like him.
Either that, or change the first sentence to "The other sunny idiots at YMCA Camp Powell COULD hold hands..."
Hope that made sense. Good luck!!
What’s wrong with Kyle Matusik? While the other campers are holding hands and gettting along, Kyle has been lashing out at his Junior Counselor and other campers. Doesn’t he realize that at YMCA Camp we should all just get along?
But getting along, singing Kum Ba Yah, that’s not Kyle. He’s a kid filled with rage, trying to deal with the pain and confusion of his father’s death. He’s in no mood to put on a happy face and pretend his Junior Counselor isn’t evil. And he could never be one of those sunny idiots who act like life is perfect.
Kyle has no time for Camp Powell. Could care less about it actually, except for that gorgeous girl in his field sports class. The one he is falling in love with. The one who seems just as lonely as he is.
He was so close to talking with her, but now he might never have the chance because Camp Powell is close to kicking him out.
Closing paras:
Best of luck, R
Something´s not right with your tenses.
Shouldn´t the second sentence be in present perfect if the first one is in present tense? (I.e. ´Kyle Matusik has lashed back...)
The way you have it now feels very disjointed to a first-time reader. I can see why you did it, but I think it´s a case of getting too close to the text. To a fresh eye it´s an instant stumbling block.
I really agree with Madeline; by not making everything present tense you end up confusing the reader regarding the sequence of events. Also, I´ve never seen a query in past tense before. Present tense pulls the reader in much more, packs much more of a punch in a query context.
I like the new start to paragraph 2, definitely a keeper, but maybe you can put some of the wacky stuff back in? You have so much room. (I miss the cheesy fish tarts and the mutt!)
I don´t think you need to be more specific about how Kyle unleashes his rage; it´s clear by the punishment (getting booted out as opposed to, say, arrest) that he didn´t shoot someone.
Equally I reckon you don´t need to spell everything out that happens after. It´s good that the reader (i.e. agent) asks him/ herself what happens next. You just have to make setup and protag attractive enough for them to really care and want to know. (It´s clear though that Kyle doesn´t go home, since you go on to state that the entire novel is set in a summer camp. From that we can deduce that the conflicts you have set up will get to be played out in full. And there is a hint of pending redemption in the fact that he´s not alienated enough not to care about pretty girls.)
I wouldn´t change it too much, just refine certain things. Remember, it´s all about your voice, which is very appealing. (I really like ´She seems lonely too, just like him.´ Simple but very effective language, just like the rest of your query. Just what you want for MG.)
You can do it!
Post a Comment