Aug 14, 2009

A Scorpion's Nature - Revision #4

Click here to read the original query.
Click here to read the first revision.
Click here to read the second revision.
Click here to read the third revision.

Dear Agent,

The other sunny idiots at YMCA Camp Crenden could hold hands and wallow in their Kum By Yah lovefest. Ryan Laraway chose to lash back at his evil Junior Counselor and a tyrant camper. Unleashing his rage was the only way Ryan knew how to deal with the torment of his father’s death. It stunk that he might get booted out, though. He was so close to talking with that gorgeous girl in his field sports class. She seemed lonely too, just like him.

A SCORPION’S NATURE follows an anguished thirteen year old who copes with death by walling himself off from the living. Ryan’s journey unfolds in a rollicking summer camp with quirky songs and food so atrocious even the director’s mutt refuses to eat the Cheesy Fish Tarts. My 55,000 word upper middle grade novel grew out of twenty years as a YMCA camper, counselor, and director.

The complete manuscript is available upon your request. Thank you for considering my work.

Sincerely,

2 comments:

TLH said...

I like this one a lot. I think you have kept all the good parts of the previous versions without losing anything.

Can I ask why you changed his name, though?

Elaine 'still writing' Smith said...

Can they not just:
'wallow in their Kum By Yah'
Could you specify the nature of the evil?
taunting/bullying/vicious/callous

rollicking?
painfully cheerful

Can I put in a vote for Kyle? Can you tell I read the revisions in order? I love his new surname - I'm thinking Laraway like faraway and all its connotations.

Great job! (Not ironic) My daughter, who has read my book anyway, was just as interested in reading your pitch! She wanted me to ask about 'idiots' was keen you got happy campers in there somewhere.