Sep 13, 2009

FOURTH REVISION - THE CHOSEN ONES AND THE DRAGON WAR

Click here to read the original query.
Click here to read the second version.
Click here to read the third version.

Dear Ms. Agent:

When Earth gets caught in the middle of a battle for the universe between the Mages and the dark fey, two teens are forced to work together and use their elemental powers to save everyone.

Jack and Katie were chosen before birth to be the saviors of the universe. The Mages imbued elemental powers into their embryos. Katie would be able to control the weather and water while Jack would have power over earth and fire. The plan was to raise the chosen ones together and train them to work as a team from birth. But that was before the dark fey found a way to Earth.

Fearing for their lives, Jack’s parents take him into hiding. When a car crash kills them two years later, Jack is left orphaned without any idea of his destiny. When he finally discovers his destiny, he is elated and fully embraces his powers.

Katie is taken home with her parents where they raise her as a normal "human" child. Until the fey find her and attempt to kill her and her family. Katie's mage protector teleports her to a distant planet to hide her from the fey and finally tells her the truth. Unlike Jack, Katie doesn't want to be different and she doesn't want to fight the fey. Her intelligence works against her as she doesn't want to believe these illogical tales are true. She reluctantly agrees to train with the Mages, but secretly plans an escape back to Earth. Then she discovers dragons are alive and thriving there, but need her help to save their hatchlings.

Now the Mages have to find Jack before the dark fey do and reunite the chosen ones in time to train them to save the universe from annihilation. Unfortunately, Katie and Jack have other plans in mind.

The Chosen Ones and the Dragon War is an 80,000-word work of fantasy intended for young adults. This is our first novel. Please find enclosed the first five pages, pursuant to your submission guidelines.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Natalie and Rick
(email)
(phone)

4 comments:

Dominique said...

Better, though I wish there were a bit more about Jack. The query tends more to katie's emotions than a balance between the two.

Donna Hole said...

Very descriptive.

I like the first and second paragraph just as they are.

The next two, however are full of details that, though intriguing, are probably unnecessary for the query itself and I would suggest deleting them entirely.

The fifth paragraph does a really nice job of stating what the central conflict is and what the obstacles are.

I think you have a strong query just paragraphs one, two, and five, and they may not need much tweaking.

.........dhole

Natalie and Rick Nuttall said...

Thank you to everyone who has helped us in this grueling process! May you all land an agent and a book deal soon!

Happy Hunting!

-Natalie

Kristy said...

I really like this story!

If you get rid of this part, the Jack and Katie paragraphs would be more balanced and end in the same place in their lives, just blend some of the same details you gave us about Jack into the previous sentences:

"Her intelligence works against her as she doesn't want to believe these illogical tales are true. She reluctantly agrees to train with the Mages, but secretly plans an escape back to Earth. Then she discovers dragons are alive and thriving there, but need her help to save their hatchlings."

I think that would make it tighter but still get your point across.