Sep 12, 2009

Third Revision - The Chosen Ones and the Dragon War

Click here to read the original query.
Click here to read the second version

(so, I listened to the comments (after I cried) and I have taken the wonderful advice given to me to heart and I think I'm getting closer to explaining my epic (read too-long) book. I'm chopping the novel also, so I don't know how many words it will be in the end. Thank you all for your wonderful coments and for helping make me a better queriest! - Natalie)

Dear Mr/Ms. Agent:

When Earth gets caught in the middle of a battle for the universe between the Mages and the dark fey, two teens are forced to work together and use their elemental powers to save everyone. But first, can they save a clan of dragons in the midst of war?

Jack and Katie were chosen before birth to be the saviors of the universe. The Mages imbued elemental powers into their embryos, designing them to work together as a team. Katie would be able to control the weather and water while Jack would have power over earth and fire. The plan was to raise the chosen ones together and train them to work as a team from birth. But that was before the dark fey found a way to Earth.

Fearing for their lives, Jack’s parents take him into hiding. When a car crash kills them two years later, Jack is left orphaned without any idea of his destiny.

Katie is taken home with her parents where they raise her as a normal "human" child. She attends school with her peers. She helps around the farm. She even plays with her brothers. Until the fey find her and attempt to kill her and her family. Katie's mage protector teleports her to a distant planet to hide her from the fey, where she discovers dragons are alive and thriving, but need her help to save their hatchlings.

Now the Mages have to find Jack before the dark fey do and reunite the chosen ones in time to train them to save the universe from annihilation. Unfortunately, Katie and Jack have other plans in mind.

The Chosen Ones and the Dragon War is an 80,000-word work of fantasy intended for young adults. This is our first novel. Please find enclosed the first five pages, pursuant to your submission guidelines.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Natalie and Rick
(phone number)


TLH said...

Alright. We're getting there. I think I understand the story. I really like the story. I understand why the fey are involved, where the Mages come into play, but now the dragons are like an afterthought.

I would like to have a better sense of the characters somehow (like you had in the first version), but I don't want you to feel like it needs to be much longer.

Dramatic improvement over the first, one, I must say!


Tricia J. O'Brien said...

I'm late to this party, but I did go back and read the first two queries. This is the strongest. It still needs to be tightened.
For instance,drop the last sentence in the first graph.
In the second graph you repeat things, such as 'work together as a team.' Try: Jack and Katie were chosen before birth by the Mages, who imbued them with powers. Katie can control weather and water, while Jack has power over earth and fire. The plan was to raise them together and train them to work as a team, but that was before the dark fey found a way to Earth.
In the graph about Katie's family, you can drop the stuff about school, farm and brothers. Maybe just say Katie's parents try to give her a normal life on their farm until the dark fey (etc)
I really like this story,sounds like something I'd read.

gj said...

This is infinitely better.

Like TLH, I would like to have a better sense of the protagonists and what THEY do (as opposed to what is done TO them). And, as Tricia says, tighten up a bit by excising the redundancies.

RCWriterGirl said...

I think this query does a better job of laying out the story than the others.

I think you can combine the paragraphs about Jack and Katie's upbringing into one. We just need to know Jack was orphaned at two with no idea of his destiny, and Katie has a normal upbringing.

I think you could probably query with this. But, if you can find a gentle way to do it, it would probably benefit by adding in a little of Katie an Jack's personalities. Not a lot. Just a bit.

Good luck

Jennie said...

In the last paragraph, you want to put your novel title in ALL CAPS, not italics. Professionals use italics for magazine articles, etc. Book titles are capitalized.

Your letter looks good to me!