Sep 24, 2009

Query - Llona Reese: By the Light of the Moon, young adult

Dear Agent,

I’m seeking representation for my 94,000 word young adult, urban fantasy, LLONA REESE: BY THE LIGHT OF THE MOON, about a young girl who just wants to live a long life without the constant fear of being murdered for her unique gift.

LLONA REESE is not your typical seventeen-year-old high school girl. She is an Aura, a female who contains the ancient and powerful Light. Where other teen age girls have to deal with changing hormones and growing boobs, Llona has to figure out how to control Light’s power… and fast.

Strange and frightening things begin happening and she suspects a Vicen has discovered her true identity, despite her extreme efforts to protect herself. Vicens are strong, evil beings who kill Auras for the Light in their blood, which in turn gives them great power. With the help of her first real friend, MAY, who she met under unusual circumstances, and CHRISTIAN, the mysterious boy who knows more than he’s telling, Llona decides not to run. She does, after all, deserve one normal year of school, doesn’t she? By choosing to stay and fight, she risks the lives of everyone she loves and ultimately changes her life forever.

LLONA REESE: BY THE LIGHT OF THE MOON is the first in a series of three, but could stand on its own. It will appeal to R.L. Stine fans and any teenager who has felt out of place. Upon your request, I am prepared to send the complete manuscript. Thank you for taking the time to consider representing my work. I look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely,
(personal info)

6 comments:

Victoria Dixon said...

This is a really good query and might do well as is. If I were to suggest a change, it would be:
I’m seeking representation for my 94,000 word young adult, urban fantasy, LLONA REESE: BY THE LIGHT OF THE MOON, about a young girl who just wants to live a long life without the constant fear of being murdered for her unique gift.*Changed this part*Where other girls deal with growing boobs, Llona must either control her power or run for her life. But if she stays to fight the Vicen who want her power, she'll risk the lives of everyone she loves.

I DO love the reference to boobs as it suggests humor (always attractive), but it does make that sentence a long one. Maybe something like, When Llona's boobs appear, so do her powers and she's not sure she wanted either or something.

I WOULD keep the plot details to a minimum. We don't need the other characters names with the possible exception of the Vicen. Good luck with this!

Gina Logue said...

I think you are a good writer, but this query needs unique-ness. There seems to be a lot of YA stories of young girl/boy having some kind of a unique gift. So saying she has “unique gift” sounds too vague to me. I think you need to show what Light’s power is in the query.

Give a specific example of “Strange and frightening things”.
The Light in her blood gives Vicens great power. Great power for what?

I agree with Victoria that you could leave her friends out of the query. If you decide to keep them in, then you need to make them matter and not leave thing too vague like, “who she met under unusual circumstances”. I liked “the mysterious boy who knows more than he’s telling” but you don’t ever come around to say how that fact contributes to the story. Does it add complication? You don’t need to use all caps for their name.

I think you can remove “Upon your request, I am prepared to send the complete manuscript.” And “I look forward to hearing from you.”

I hope your querying goes well.
Gina

Donna Hole said...

I liked it as is.

It has a strong voice, gives all the necessary conflict info without giving up too much detail, and is concise without feeling short.

It's also kinda different style than we usually see here, which is refreshing.

Naming her friends here makes them sound like strong supporting characters; like they're going to be important to LLONA's decisions and how she resolves her conflict.

I like it. Good luck.

..............dhole

RCWriterGirl said...

I liked the feel of the query and the general sense of it.

The only thing that gives me pause is that I don't understand what the light is. People want it, I get that. But, I don't get a real sense of what it does, why they want it. You don't have to say a lot about it, but I feel it needs fleshing out. Just a sentence.

I think the friends are fine to mention.

Your story seems very interesting. Good luck.

Anonymous said...

I agree that you need to add more about what the Light and the powers are.

Please do not take this the wrong way...but, with the friends, strange powers she does not want...my first thought was "another Buffy - the Vampire Slayer". Right down to one female and one male friend.

I think you are a strong writer and just need to flush out the differences in the story in your letter...like previously mentioned, you've got a lot of competition in this arena.

Good Luck.

Us

Anica Lewis said...

I like this! I agree with Gina, though, about specificity. In particular, I'd like to know what about this power gives it the name "Light."

There also might be a way to define "Vicen" without spending a whole sentence just saying what they are. Maybe, "Then, Llona is discovered by one of the evil Vicen, beings that kill Auras for . . ." I'd love to see that followed by a specific example of the "strange and frightening things" that happen - and, if they're related, that could lead nicely into Llona's meeting May.