Sep 24, 2009

Query - Save Us - Revision 2

Click here to read the original query.
Click here to read the first revision.

Hey guys, I made a few more changes based on some comments from the Evil Editor. Some of the people felt I needed to flesh out the plot a little, and make the names more authentic. I'd love to hear what you think. Thanks-

Dear Agent:

Alexios has had a busy few months: falling in love, dying, and leading a rebellion—in that order.

Alexios is a young, orphaned fisherman living in ancient Phoenicia during the time of Christ. He and his love Korinna drown in a storm, and without a way to atone for their sins, they appear in Hell. Separated from Korinna and enslaved in Hell's mines, Alexios sinks into despair, until one day his pain leads him to fight back against his cruel demon captors. Seeing a demon defeated by a human for the first time, the rest of the slaves rally around Alexios as the conflict snowballs into an unintended rebellion.

He soon meets Duriel, an angel sent on a covert mission to aid him, who informs Alexios that this struggle is meant by God to distract the devil from the ramifications of Christ's death—salvation for all mankind. If he realized this, the devil might try to stop the Crucifixion rather than encourage it. Faced with this new mandate, the desire to find Korinna, and the threat of a growing demon army, Alexios undertakes a task that transforms him as much as it changes the fate of the slaves in Hell. When Jesus' path takes him to the cross, the war in Hell culminates in a clash between the great powers in the universe—with Alexios trapped in the middle.

SAVE US is 75,000 words, and is my first novel.

Thank you for your time and consideration.



RCWriterGirl said...

I think the query seems fine. It's too the point, and briefly explains the story and what's at stake.

This is not the kind of story I normally read, so the subject matter didn't really grab me, but I think it's clear. I'd be curious what others who like this kind of book think of the query.

Only thing I'd change is to leave out that this is your first novel. Go with something simple like: SAVE US is complete at 75,000 words.

Good luck.

Tabitha Bird said...

The subject matter grabbed me, but what really made me read this query (and I am heaps busy today and wasn't planning on reading any) was your first line. what an amazing hook. Great work. all the very best with this book. I wish it was out now so I could buy it. I want to see those scenes you describe in your letter.

TLH said...

Yeah, what Tab said! If I read that on the back of a book I would take it home with me. Best of luck to you, I can't wait to read it!

If you need a copy editor, please email me. I just really want to read this story!

Donna Hole said...

Yeah, I like this sort of reading. And I was hooked from the first. I didn't read the first query, so I don't know what changes you made; but this really does it for me.

There is confict and growth throughout the query. A really strong voice.

Need a beta reader? I can't wait for it to come out. One of the few Isaac Asimov books I enjoyed was JOB, and this sort of reminds me of that.

Good luck to you.


Vipul said...

Thanks so much for the positive feedback! This whole process is pretty daunting, but it's really encouraging to hear from you guys. It gives me hope to deal with the soon-to-be-coming stack of rejections... :)

Anica Lewis said...

Wow! I'm not a reader of Christian books, but this sounds fantastic! I especially appreciate the mention of conflict that "snowballs." Tee hee. And what a cool premise! I've never seen anything like it before.