Oct 21, 2009


Dear Agent,

Lucas Fowler fears death. Viruses, slippery steps, strangers terrify him, and he’s built a disinfected, hermetically-sealed life to make sure he gets the 70-plus years he’s due. Years his parents never had.

He should have been more careful. He shouldn’t have opened the image sent to his cell phone by a stranger.

That night, Lucas feels the change. Suddenly fearless, able to punch holes in concrete, outrun cars, and shift into a blighted alternate reality, Lucas transforms into the thing he fears most — a killer. He tracks down and kills the man in the picture. Another picture comes, another murder. Each time he learns a little more about what’s happening to him. But to discover it all — the secret society of Scions, the super-powered undead he’s creating with each murder, the rogue Scion using him to kill, and the remedy to his own cowardice — he’ll have to keep on killing. And he’ll need to be fearless all on his own.

NO DARKER FATE, an urban fantasy, is 95,000 words. It is my first novel. Thank you for your time and consideration.


Rick Daley said...

Cool premise, it feels very original. Some suggestions for the query, though:

- Start with a stronger hook. Most people fear death. I wasn't drawn in at all until the third paragraph.

- The reference to his parents doesn't seem necessary, they aren't referenced further in the query.

- "Viruses, slippery steps, AND strangers..."

- 2nd paragraph shifts to past tense. I think you should stay consistent with the present tense.

- I would leave out the fact that its your first novel.

Good luck, the premise is interesting enough to me that I'm curious to learn more. I have a ton of questions about the plot, but I think they are the good kind, because you got me thinking.

TLH said...

I agree with most of what Rick said, including that the premise is interesting.

I would DEFINITELY pick this one up! Great story, friend!


Jason Myers said...

Good premise.
I don't like the transistion between when he's a germaphobe to when he's a killer .
What makes him suddenly change? the picture? Something else? Fair enough you're being vague on purpose to build suspense, but maybe more than just one sentence on the transition. Maybe hint at the root cause.

Tricia J. O'Brien said...

Love this premise, intriguing. Maybe as Jason says you can make the transition more clear from phone to change. Something like: Lucas feels *himself* change. Suddenly, *he* is fearless, etc.
We also need another line about the image sent by the phone, so we know it is causing change. Does he feel something then or intuit because of his parents. If the parents died because of some hoodoo that has made him afraid then give us a hint of that.
Can't wait to see what you do with this story.