Oct 22, 2009

Query Revision #2: HIDDEN IN TALL GRASS

Click here to read the original query.
Click here to read the first revision.

Dear [Agent]:

Susanna’s always been the caretaker of the family, and Mama the free spirit. But when Susanna’s sister has a dangerous encounter with Mama’s drunken brother at a party, Mama’s self-absorption turns dangerous. And when Susanna demands a retribution that never comes, Susanna has had enough and looks to Calvin, her childhood friend, for comfort.

By the time Calvin leaves for Vietnam, she’s secretly fallen for him. As she tries to be the friend he needs, he writes about impossible choices with no right answers and how good people can be changed by terrible circumstances. The wisdom in his words is not lost on her, even as he captures her heart more completely, whether he intends to or not.

When Susanna discovers a horrifying secret about her own brother, she needs all the wisdom she can gather as her previous judgments come back to haunt her. Now she must choose between denial and accountability, condemnation and forgiveness, and she’s determined not to repeat her mother’s mistakes even as she begins to understand how she may have made them.

HIDDEN IN TALL GRASS is a work of women’s fiction taking place in Louisville, Kentucky in the late 1960s, and is complete at approximately 118,000 words. I have [credits/credentials redacted].

Thank you for your consideration.

Angie H.

1 comment:

Steena Holmes said...

Much better!

I noticed in the first paragraph alot of 'but when, and when' - can you find different wording? Go through and make sure you get rid of any passiveness.

I'm also wondering if you need to add in the second paragraph at all. Remember - you want to focus on Susanna, introducing too many characters (I count 5 in this query) makes your query too befuddled.

I'd suggest combining paragraph 2 in with paragraph 3 - but only take the essential bits.

I hope this helps. I know you'll get some great advice on here.