Oct 22, 2009

Query Revision #1 - NO DARKER FATE

Click here to read the original query.

Dear Agent,

For Lucas Fowler, superhuman abilities seem like the answer to his extreme fear of death until he becomes what he fears most—a killer.

When Lucas opens a picture sent to his cell phone by a stranger he thinks it's misdirected since he doesn't know the man in the image.

That night he feels changed. Suddenly fearless, able to outrun cars, punch holes in concrete, and shift into a blighted alternate reality, Lucas tracks down the man in the picture. Instead of playing savior, Lucas kills him. Another picture comes, another murder. Lucas can't control his new abilities or stop his homicidal instinct. Each time he learns a little more about what's happening to him. But to discover it all—the secret society of Scions, the rogue Scion controlling him, the super-powered undead he's creating with each murder—he'll have to keep on killing. And he'll need to be fearless all on his own.

NO DARKER FATE, an urban fantasy, is 95,000 words. Thank you for your time and consideration.


Steena Holmes said...

I'm intrigued! For me, I'd only say that you need to tighten things up. I like the first sentence, but it's too wordy, shorten it up and make it more punchy.

Second paragraph - get rid of 'by a stranger' - I don't think it's needed. I also think you should get rid of the last part of the sentence - about not knowing the man - change the wording so we know the picture is of a strange man.

Third paragraph is way too wordy.

But I'm wanting to read this book!

Stephanie Thornton said...

This is looking better, but I agree with Steena- it's still too words. And I don't think you need the piece about the extreme fear of death, at least in that sentence.

If you could inject it with some voice or make it punchier, maybe.

This is definitely an intriguing story!

John said...

How's this for the hook:

Lucas Fowler transforms from ordinary to supernatural when a rogue member of a secret society turns him into a superhuman hit man.

Steena Holmes said...

John I like that hook!