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Dear [Agent name],
There is a myth among vampires about a rare human called An Uncommon One; an alluring human that cannot be read or controlled by any vampire – a perfect mate. Vampire John Pennington has not heard of this myth. When he saves Sarah Daugherty from the hands of a serial killer and finds himself mysteriously drawn to her, he’s bewildered. With one touch, a wonderful rush of warmth spreads throughout his body, warmth he hasn’t felt since he turned. But vampires don’t mingle with humans and he leaves her without any knowledge of him or his deed, thinking that would be the end of it. It isn’t until a chance meeting that John decides to risk a relationship, even when he’s confused as to why he can’t read her thoughts; for Sarah fills a hole in his life he didn’t know existed.
As John falls in love with Sarah, his secret becomes harder to keep. And when a sadistic vampire appears to be behind the attacks against her, he must decide what is more important: lie and hope she never finds out or reveal all and risk losing her forever.
THE UNCOMMON ONE is a paranormal romance novel complete at 109,000 words. The first chapter follows.
Thank you for your time, and I look forward to hearing from you soon.
Sincerely,
Stacy McKitrick
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7 comments:
I think I've seen this before and I'm afraid I liked it better when no one knew why he felt for her. For one thing, if he's never heard the myth, it seems strange to have it here. I'd reverse your clauses in the next sentence and have him be bewildered first. These are just my opinions and not cannon. I think you need a stronger hook for your query, though. Perhaps you can use something from the book itself?
I feel badly saying this...but this sounds a lot like TWILIGHT. A *lot*.
You've got the mind-reading vampire hero (Edward), the human girl with-the-intoxicating-scent-whose-mind-can't-be-read heroine (Bella), and the mysterious attraction that jump-starts their forbidden relationship. Throw in the sadistic vampire (James) and I'm at a loss, from your query, as to how this book is different from Stephenie Meyer's bestseller. Except that it's for adults.
I think you really need to isolate what makes this book stand out in a crowded vampire romance market. Maybe hone in on the adult elements? I'm not sure.
Good luck to you.
My darling, I so feel for you here. I'm in a similiar position with a novel that features a good vampire as paramour.
I think you write very well, and what you have here could stand as an intriguing story in its own right if you could emphasize the original aspects a little more. The world of vampires does make for interesting reading for many people if the characters and plot strongly support this fantastic world. Make it bold and beautiful and breathlessly way-out. Take us on a ride into the sublime and psycadelic world that we could only dream about in this world. Make it rich with detail that will electrify our imaginations.
Make your vampire character as strong and real and compelling as you can as he's the one we'll be reading for.
In this version the part that intrigued me was the vampire feeling warm. The human saving the vampire is a less common angle, I'm not sure how predominately that figures into your novel, but if it is a cornerstone then play it up. This still has many parallels to TWILIGHT and I think you'll have a tough time selling it unless you have some key differentiators.
I appreciate everyone's comments. It's definitely making me think if I need to change something in my book or try to convey it in the query without giving too much away (NOT EASY!).
Rick - It's funny you mention the human "saving" the vampire part, because in a way that happens, not physically, but mentally, and I even thought of that angle last night!
Stacy- you mentioned in your comment you don't want to "give too much away." Why not? It's okay to "give away" plot points in your query letter. You're trying to get an agent to sign on to represent the book; he or she won't do that if they don't know what the book's really about. Don't worry about giving too much away. You can't get hurt that way.
I've ALREADY READ Twilight.
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