Nov 9, 2009


Click here to read the revised query.


Sarah drove into the parking
garage and smiled when she found an empty space next to the Bumblebee. It wasn’t a real bumblebee, just her nickname for the bright yellow SUV with the black bumpers that always seemed to be there. Something she could count on.

There weren’t many cars around and looking at her watch, she saw it was a little after seven-thirty. In all her excitement of preparing for work, she arrived earlier than usual.

Mondays. How she loved them. It was the beginning of a nice long week. Of course, she loved every weekday. They kept her busy and surrounded her with people. Weekends were not her favorite days. There was too much time to dwell on her loneliness.

When she got out of her car, the January air slapped her in the face and she huddled inside her white coat. Even the garage got cold in the winter. If it weren’t for her only friend, Lori, she might have moved someplace warmer. Then again, maybe not. It wasn’t like she was adventurous.

She locked the doors, and headed for the elevators.

“Miss!” someone yelled behind her.

She turned around and saw a man running up to her. “Are you calling me?” she asked.

“Yes. I think you dropped this,” he said, showing her a hankie.

He was cute in a preppy kind of way, with neatly combed dark hair and brown puppy dog eyes. She looked at his hand and shook her head. “Nope, sorry. Not mine. Someone else must have dropped it.”

“Oh. I could have sworn it was you. My mistake, I’m sorry.”

She smiled at him, “No harm done. You’re forgiven.” She then continued on to the elevators.

He caught up to her. “I don’t think I’ve seen you here before. Have you worked here long?”

He looked her over and she could have sworn he licked his lips. He was making her nervous, but then most men who approached her did. She continued to smile at him anyway. She never could get the hang of turning someone away and always found herself continuing a conversation she wished would never start. “Not long, a few months,” she said.

Two other people came to stand by the elevators, waiting, and it made Sarah feel a little better. Safety in numbers. When the elevator car arrived, she entered and punched her floor then saw he punched the floor above. The others punched the floor below her. She maneuvered herself so she wouldn’t have to stand near him. When the doors opened to let the first passengers off, she was tempted to get off, too, but realized how silly that would look.

As soon the doors closed, he walked over and offered his hand. “My name is Brian.”

She ignored him. Heart hammering in her chest, her eyes never left the door of the elevator.

“Ah, come on. Don’t leave me hanging. How am I supposed to ask you out if I don’t know your name?”

The door opened and she exited, but held it open. She turned to face him. In the calmest voice she could muster she said, “I’m sorry Brian. I’m not comfortable going out with strangers.” She then let the door close.

Once he was out of sight, Sarah was able to relax. The guy was cute, but he gave her the creeps. She hoped the rest of the day turned out better than it started.

By seven p.m., she was ready to leave for home. The day turned out better than she imagined. She didn’t have a single solitary minute to herself and that suited her just fine. Being one of the few employees who took late clients, she was one of the last to leave for the day. Maybe she was a workaholic, but what else was there?

The elevator opened to the garage and it was deserted. Very few cars remained, but her Bumblebee was still there. Whoever owned it must work longer than she did. It was there every morning when she arrived and every night when she left. Digging in her purse to fetch her keys, she never heard anything out of the ordinary until someone grabbed her from behind, placing a wet mask over her face. She instinctively struggled against her abductor, but once she inhaled the sweet scent, her movements weakened and her world went dark.


Najela said...

Personally, I think you could probably start with the last paragraph first. That was the real start of the story for me. The rest is just extraneous information at this point. I feel if you started with the last paragraph first, you can fill in all the backstory latter. I hope this helps. Good luck.

Victoria Dixon said...

Yeah, I'd have to agree with Najela. I skimmed everything until your last paragraph, which is where you hooked me. Give us a brief setting and get her abducted.

wendy said...

I disagree about starting with the action. I enjoyed the gradual build up to this scene and getting to know the character first. I found her interesting and well-written. Actually, the whole chapter was well-written, I thought. But perhaps we could have even more build-up, perhaps some telling detail from her day in the office would be good. Maybe an interesting snippet of info about the mysterious man who was trying to chat her up could come her way?

Gina Logue said...

I second Wendy's opinion.

Rick Daley said...

I didn't mind the character development either.

The thing that popped out at me was Bumblebee. With the similarities to TWILIGHT in the query, it hit me hard with a TRANSFORMERS likeness in the first sentence.