Jan 25, 2010

QUERY - NEAR EDGWARE (fifth revision)

Click here to read the original query.
Click here to read the first revision.
Click here to read the second revision.
Click here to read the third revision.
Click here to read the fourth revision.

Dear Agent,

I am seeking representation for NEAR EDGWARE, a YA paranormal romance complete at 72,000 words.

Sixteen year old Jess Trainer does not understand Caleb Ridgeway. He alternates between interested and the cold shoulder. She could manage her emotions if he did not give her reasons to hope, but this on-off attraction drives her to the brink of stalker status.

Aware that the insular Ridgeway brothers have abilities beyond a normal person, she suspects this is why Caleb says their relationship cannot develop. When she finds out he is part of a pack rather than a family she is plunged into the seething war of attrition being fought in the woodland between those born human and those born were. Caleb is traumatised after the attack. Can Jess help him back to reality, back to a time before the pain, back to her love?

Thank your for your time and consideration. I would be happy to send you the synopsis and first three chapters.

Sincerely,
Elaine Piedmont Writer Smith :)

5 comments:

Holly said...

Okay, I am the world's worst query writer, so please take that into account.

I looked at your first and last versions (not the ones inbetween).

Even though you were struggling with the letter's structure in the beginning, I honestly feel the writing in the first version had more sparkle, way more life. The last version seems as though you've lost something, maybe from scrubbing and reworking it so many times.

Just my two cents, and others may disagree. You have given so much help to others here, so I want to wish you special good luck.

Piedmont Writer said...

Holly -- Elaine Smith and Piedmont Writer are two different people. I did not write this book EDGWARE and this is not my query. But thank you for the compliment.

Anne Gallagher
Piedmont Writer

Holly said...

Hi, Anne. The signature confused me ("Sincerely,
Elaine Piedmont Writer Smith"). Sorry about that!

Falen said...

Elaine - this looks very similar to the template Piedmont gave you on the third revision. While it shows that you're growing, the Query needs to be written in your own voie. This is the one chance and agent has to see your work and decide if they want to see more. If the Query is written by someone else it's a form of misrepresentation. Don't sell yourself short on such an important step.
Good luck!

Donna Hole said...

Ok, so I'm going a bit unconventional here Elaine. I've read your blogs; some excerpts of the novel, the synopsis. I have read the last query, but didn't feel it captured the true essence of the novel.

When I read your first query , I thought it more synopsis than query. But I liked what I read. It reminded me of THE HIGHLANDER series http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Highlander_(series). Mainly, the interaction between the Watchers and the Immortals. And the dynamics between Methos and Duncan (sorry, Connor in the movie version); two immortals who just didn't want to participate in The Game anymore. Your novel plot seems somewhat similar to me.

From reading your posts, I think what you are focusing on in the query is the surface details between Jesse and Caleb. Their romance is truly epic, but also a subplot to both of their destinies.

What I’d like to see you focus on here (and I’m just another opinionated unpublished writer) is the “differences” between Jesse and Caleb, and how they overcome them. You’ve said that Jesse doesn’t know who she is, but Caleb does because he is to become the next pack leader. So for purposes of the your query, Caleb will discover Jesse by accident, she will be naturally drawn to him because of her hidden heritage, they will discover a sinister plot by the Feral Were’s to destroy both families, and Jesse and Caleb will overcome specific obstacles to thwart the plan and unite the two families (Jesse’s and Caleb’s). I haven’t read enough of your novel excerpts to know what the major obstacles are. But together they must overcome them to save both their worlds. Details like how Caleb recovers from his near death beating, and Jesse’s discovery of her heritage isn’t relevant to the query. What’s important is: the two are natural enemies (or allies) drawn together by a specific circumstance, and must achieve an ultimate goal to save both their species.

Maybe this isn’t helpful. But, you have a great story idea, and I know you have written it well. It is only the query process itself that is keeping you from being published already. Keep at it. I am confident you will come up with a workable query that suits your novel.

………..dhole