Jan 24, 2010

QUERY - NEAR EDGWARE (fourth revision)

Click here to read the original query.
Click here to read the first revision.
Click here to read the second revision.
Click here to read the third revision.

Dear special Agent

The attraction sixteen-year-old, Jess Trainer, feels for Caleb Ridgeway is driving her to the brink of stalker-staus because his hands linger even while he is trying to push her away.

Jess abuses her position of the Year Book Committee to dissect the Ridgeway brother’s files. In their previous school data, and the bizarre meanings of their full names she finds two possible reasons why they might choose to isolate themselves to the fringes of all social circles. Given the choice between private-school snob and werewolf, the second option seems more desirable.

Jess and Caleb's relationship plunges her into the seething war of attrition being fought in the woodland around Woodford between human hunters, once-human "werewolves" and those born Were. Jess finds this reality hard to stomach, she loves someone who is neither human nor wolf - he is Were.

It is Jess who runs to call back the pack protectors and prevents the massacre of many Were including Caleb, and their pack Apha, when they are attacked by once-human, werewolves.

In the aftermath of the attack, when only one of the feral Were escaped justice, Caleb is so traumatised the pack fear he may never recover. Despite the danger he may doom her, Jess risks her humanity to help Caleb remember the time before pain. She coaxes him back from the brink of madness, with her love.

This book can stand alone but it has series potential.

I teach many disaffected children so I developed my counselling skills. There are many would-be writers but few who understand young people as well, or who would be comfortable speaking to them en-masse. My experience of delivering sex-education sessions to as many as sixty pre-teens is some foundation for selling my work to the target audience.

My novel entitled NEAR EDGWARE is a YA paranormal romance set in a normal secondary school and the woodland, called the Weald, which surrounds the town of Woodford, near Edgware. It is complete in 72,200 words.

Many thanks for your time

Elaine A M Smith

As with my initials I would have to describe my writing as more Kelley Armstrong and less Stephenie Meyer.
I can’t think how – or where – to put the comparative part – it is corny and trite and ... but where does it go?

5 comments:

Elaine 'still writing' Smith said...

It is Jess who runs to call back the others who were out on patrol and prevents a massacre, when the pack are attacked by feral, once-human, Were.

In the aftermath of the attack, when only one of the feral Were escaped justice, Caleb is so traumatised the pack fear he may never recover. Despite the danger Caleb could kill her, or worse, Jess risks her humanity to help him remember the time before pain. She coaxes him back from the brink of madness, with her love.

Do you think it's a bad sign if you start dreaming Query letters?

DL Hammons said...

Elaine,

First, I keep stumbling over this line...because his hands linger even while he is trying to push her away. It just feels creepy to me (and not a good kind of creepy).

I believe the letter is still delving into too much detail. I would cut the second from last paragraph altogether.

No...dreaming about query letters is not a bad thing!

Starving Writer said...

Still way too lengthy. Try to get it to as near as possible to 250 words.

Second to last para about your experience could go. 56 words right there.

Something still not feeling right about the query. I agree with the too much detail comment.

You could try something like, Jess prevents a massacre that leaves Caleb so traumatized that...

Piedmont Writer said...

Elaine -- please go back and read my last comments to you in the last revision post. You're getting lost with all the suggestions. I know you're trying to make it better, but now it's just confusing. Less is more.

And no, it's not a bad sign if you start dreaming Query letters. I dreamt of mine for 5 months.

Elaine 'still writing' Smith said...

My I offer many thanks to the many commenters who have offered such helpful advice.
Piedmont Writer, you have a quiet a gift there. My synopsis is now looking like a Query letter. :)