Jan 17, 2010

Query: OUT OF TIME (3rd revision)

Click here to read the original query.
Click here to read the first revision.
Click here to read the second revision.

OUT OF TIME tells the story of Drew Evans, a police officer in one of St. Paul's worst gang-infested precincts who recovers a device that allows him to travel through time. Presented with an opportunity like no other, Drew makes the decision to use the device to travel back to visit his father, renowned musician Doc Evans, who died when Drew was young. He visits his father in 1947 Chicago just as his father is getting his big break at the new Jazz Ltd nightclub.

Of course things never go as planned—that Murphy guy got it right—and when Drew interferes with a robbery, it causes the Chicago mob to have a newfound interest in the club.

Now, caught in the middle and facing near insurmountable odds, Drew chooses to bring his by-the-book partner back to help. Drew must use their experience with combating gangs to force the Chicago mob away from the club and save his father’s future—while risking the opportunity to re-connect with his father.

OUT OF TIME—complete at 75,000 words—is an adventure novel infused with humor and action that will appeal to fans of Michael Crichton’s TMELINE and Clive Cussler’s SAHARA.

Having written professionally for the last ten years in advertising and marketing, I’ve learned the value of powerful ideas and concise execution.

Thank you for your consideration,

Allan Evans

4 comments:

Piedmont Writer said...

Great, nice job. I'm still not sure about the Murphy line but that's my own tick. I also like the new paragraph with the buddy.

Good Luck Allan.

Amanda J. said...

I agree. I don't particularly like the Murphy line, it feels like it's taking focus off of the story. It's interrupting the flow for me.

And the line "Drew must use their experience" is awkward. If you would say "They" or "Drew and his partner" it would work better with your use of "their experience." There are two of them, it isn't just Drew anymore.

Good job, and good luck!

Aimless Writer said...

Little things. Watch for repetitive words. Example: Visit-"Drew makes the decision to use the device to travel back to *visit his father, renowned musician Doc Evans, who died when Drew was young. He *visits his father in 1947 Chicago just as his father is getting his big break at the new Jazz Ltd nightclub."
In the second sentence you could use something like "He arrives back..."
And you use "Drew" to close together in, "Drew chooses to bring his by-the-book partner back to help. Drew must use their experience with combating gangs to force..." Read it out loud and you'll hear these things.
Re the Murphy thing. It was okay with me but my 26 year old daughter said it stumbled her too. At first she was like who's Murphy? Could this be an age thing? Maybe younger readers don't use that expression as much?
The only other thing is I'd like to feel more of a threat from the mob other then they have "a newfound interest". That doesn't sound too threatening but its your major conflict.
Like I said these are little things. Your query is much better!

Falen said...

so much better.
I'm of two minds about the murphy line, it takes me a bit out of the query narrative, but it seems like it's in the voice of the character, which is good. So i'm not sure. Sorry.

And honestly, i might get rid of your last paragraph, or at least clean it up a bit. I know some people liked it, but when i read that you have "concise execution", (and i'm a bit cynical) well i'd better see a letter perfect Query, otherwise you've just proven yourself a liar. I know not everyone sees that, but some agents might, so if it were me, i'd take it out since it's better to be safe than sorry. If you do have concise execution, they will see it in the manuscript. Show, don't tell and all that ;-)